SPECIAL EDITION: Fight Night 9/16/2011

Posted: September 16, 2011 in Fight Night Results
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[Pyro goes off as CLAW Fight Night begins.  The themesong, “Fight Song” by Marilyn Manson, plays as clips roll of big sweaty men slamming each other with meaty fists and chairs. Cut to three people sitting at an announce desk with a cheering crowd behind them.]

Mike Kravinchik: Welcome back to C.L.A.W. Fight Night, ladies and gentlemen!  I’m Mike Kravinchik, your play-by-play announcer for tonight’s card.  With me is my longtime broadcast partner and colour commentator, Bernardo Verezzi, and joining us for analysis is former champion women’s wrestler, Paula Brown.

[Kravinchik is a slim, white-haired man in his 50s dressed in dark suit.  Verezzi is of similar age but heavyset, tanned, with greasy hair and wearing a wrinkled suit and too many gold chains. Brown is a tatooed, athletic woman in her mid-thirties with short red hair.]

Paula Brown: We have a very special edition of Fight Night this evening, where 2 teams of demented individuals are going to compete in a no-disqualification hardcore match.

Bernardo Verezzi:  I haven’t seen a good bloody match like this in awhile.  I’m looking forward to it.

MK: Here comes our competitors…

[“Girl’s Not Grey” by AFI begins to play as two guys in black t-shirts and grungy jeans walk down to the ring, flipping off the crow and yelling at them.  The dark-haired guy grabs a fan’s sign and rips it to pieces.]

BV: Now here’s a couple of tough customers who don’t care what those snot-nosed morons in the stands think.

[“Indestructible” by Disturbed begins to play as two short dudes head down to the ring, shaking hands with the fans.  One of them is wearing a mexican wrestling mask with glasses over top.]

MK:  This should be interesting.

BV: Really? That’s the only word you could come up with?

[The Ring announcer, Fred Bueller, is a middle-age man with a snazzy haircut, too much spray tan and a pink vinyl polka-dot sports jacket.]

Fred Bueller: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a no-holds barred, no disqualifaction, falls-count anywhere tag team match!  Introducing first, on my right, wearing black shirts and blue jeans, at a combined weight of 412 pounds, the team of KING AND FEHLHABER!!!! [Crowd boos.]

PB: Have those guys washed recently?

BV: The smell keeps the idiot fans away.

FB: Their opponents, on my left, wearing technicolour trunks, at a combined weight of 250 pounds, the team of J-SAL AND GENO!!!!!!!!! [Crowd cheers.]

BV: I think they’re exagerating their weight.

MK: Referee Johnny Green is trying to get our competitors to shake hands before the bout but they refuse to do it.  They just have no respect for each other here, folks.

PB: Remember, this is an anything goes match, so everything is legal.  Choke holds, eye gouges, low blows, chairshots…

BV: That’s what makes it great!  I hope someone drops that guy with the stupid mask on his head!


MK:  There’s the bell and we’re underway!  Fehlhaber grabs Geno by the neck and tosses him over the top rope!  At the same time, J-Sal throws King out of the ring on the otherside!

PB:  There are no rules here, so they don’t have to make tags. Any man can make a pinfall attempt at any time, anywhere in the arena!

MK: Fehlhaber stomping on Geno on the floor, really laying to boots to him!  Now he’s going to get a chair… Meanwhile, J-Sal is manhandling King on the other side, bouncing his head off the barricade and the apron.  And whips him face-first into the ringpost!

BV: He’s pretty strong for a little guy.

PB: J-Sal actually has an amateur wrestling background, but he doesn’t seem to be using it here now…

MK: J-Sal goes for another whip, but King reverses and drives J-Sal into the post!  J-Sal staggers and King rolls him up…


J-Sal reverses into a cover of his own!


Two… kickout!

PB: There’s the advantage to having strong wrestling basics, able to reverse a pinning predicament like that.

MK: Back on the other side, Fehlhaber has a chair and raises it to strike Geno… but Geno kicks him in the gut!  Fehlhaber drops the chair and Geno grabs him by the back of the head.  BULLDOG ON THE CHAIR!

BV: I think he broke his face!

MK: Geno now, with the cover…



Fehlhaber gets a shoulder up!

PB: I thought this one was going to end early.

MK: King and J-Sal brawling on the other side.  King with a low blow, stuns J-Sal!

BV: How do you like them apples?

MK: Geno picks Fehlhaber up, but Fehlhaber catches him with a thumb to the eye!  Fehlhaber and King, gesturing now, they prepare to whip their opponents across the ringside area…

PB: What are they doing?

MK: BUT J-SAL AND GENO REVERSE IT!  They whip King and Fehlhaber right into each other, and their heads crack together with a thud!

BV: They tried that, I’m sure.  They still have a plan, watch.

MK: King and Fehlhaber are down on the floor, and J-Sal and Geno are climbing up onto the ring apron.

BV: That’s not good, where is this going?

MK: As their opponents struggle to the their feet, J-Sal and Geno fly… STEREO DROPKICKS!  From the apron to the floor!

PB: What an impressive move!  That was a dangerous move but it paid off.

MK: Geno goes for a cover on King…




PB: I thought he had him!

MK: Geno goes to pull Fehlhaber to his feet, but Fehlhaber grabs him by the neck and drops to his knees… JAWBREAKER!

BV: That’ll knock some teeth loose!

MK: As Geno rolls around in pain, J-Sal goes after Fehlhaber, but NO!  King recovers and nails J-Sal with a low-blow!

BV: Another one??

PB: What’s with all the nutshots?

MK: Fehlhaber now, grabs J-Sal and dumps him over the barricade into the fans!

BV: He landed right in an old woman’s lap.

MK: King grabs a microphone cable and wraps it around Geno’s throat… oh my god, he’s choking him out with the cable!

PB: Look out, Fehlhaber’s pulling something out from under the ring!

BV: It’s a table!  Yay!

MK: King is really pulling on Geno’s neck there!  He has no where to go…

PB: I admire Geno’s heart, but without any disqualifications or rules, he should submit before King causes permanent damage to his trachea!

MK: Geno is grabbing weakly, but can’t get King off.  Hold on, he grabbed something else…

BV: Holy sh-

MK: Geno just grabbed a wrench or something off the floor!  He clocked King in the head with it! He’s busted open!  King is bleeding from a nasty gash above his eye.

BV: Geno is still in hard shape, though…

MK: Fehlhaber has set up the table in the middle of the ring.  Now he’s heading out to help his partner.  But here comes J-Sal!


MK: J-Sal with a flying tackle, right over the guardrail!  He drives Fehlhaber right onto the floor, and goes to town, punching him in the face!

PB: I think these guys have given up on the wrestling, and are just trying to hurt each other.

MK: J-Sal picks Fehlhaber up by his hair… SNAP SUPLEX on the floor!

PB: What an impact! Fehlhaber is cringing in pain.

BV: That might’ve blown a disc in his back!

MK: J-Sal helps Geno to his feet.  Together now, they roll King into the ring.

BV: Look out, they have him all alone in there with the table!

MK: Geno and J-Sal follow into the ring, but King pops up and drives a shoulder into Geno’s stomach!  Geno is knocked off the apron back onto the floor.

BV: You get get distance on a little guy like that.

MK: J-Sal grabs King, OH NOT AGAIN!

PB:  What does he keep punching him in the balls??

MK: King now in control, lays J-Sal out on the table.  King climbs the turnbuckle.

BV: This is going to be awesome.

MK: J-Sal is laying unmoving on the table.  King prepares to leap…


MK: MY GOD!  J-Sal rolled out of the way, and King just drove himself face-first through that table!  Wood splinters go flying every which way.  J-Sal crawls over to make the cover…




BV: That a boy!  Don’t let the referee tell you when the match is over.

PB: That’s kind of his job, Bernardo.

MK: Fehlhaber heads back into the ring, armed with a chair!  J-Sal turns to make a run for it and Fehlhaber cracks him in the back with the chair!

PB: That’s dispicable!

BV: Best time to hit someone is when he’s not looking.

MK: Fehlhaber nails J-Sal with another chair across the back!  He’s just brutalizing him in there!

BV: Look behind yoU!

MK: Geno, climbing to the top turnbuckle!  Fehlhaber doesn’t see him!

BV: Turn around, dipshit!

MK: Geno dives… OH MY GOD!


MK: Fehlhaber turned around and Geno kicked the chair right into his face.  Fehlhaber is down and out in the ring. King is still lying in a bloody mess in the remains of that table, and J-Sal is trying to get to his feet.  Geno crawls over, drapes one arm over Fehlhaber’s limp body…

PB: This is it.




Three!!  [*DING, DING, DING*]

My god, what a match!

Fred Bueller: Here are your winners by pinfall, the team of J-SAL AND GENO!!!!

BV: Those little twerps.  They didn’t play fair.

PB:  Fair?  King punched J-Sal in the balls three times!

BV: Yeah, but I don’t think it was fair that they were wrestling in this match anyway.  I’m sure Geno and J-Sal don’t meet some kind of height restriction.  They should be wrestling in a midget division or something.

MK: We’re out of time, folks, see you Tuesday for our regular edition of FIGHT NIGHT!


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