PREVIEW: C.L.A.W. Tuesday Night Fights 9/27/11

Posted: September 20, 2011 in Fight Night Preview
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Jason “The Spider” Salva vs. Yoshi Takeda (from SUPA RINGUBUSHI)

This will be Jason Salva’s debut match in CLAW. Does he have what it takes to hang with the big boys?

“Stretcher” Cam Gordy vs. Rod “The Biker” Stevenson

The consummate professional meets a skeavy biker with a bad attitude. Will skill or brawn win out?

Garbage Picker vs. Phoenix Rising

The Mexican superstar takes on a professional sanitation worker, fresh out of prison. Will the trash man triumph?

Card is subject to change.

This event will take place on Tuesday September 27. All promos for this event are due Monday September 26 at 12:00pm. Maximum 2 promos per participant.

  1. YOSHI TAKEDA says:

    A van pulls up outside the arena. A colorful logo on the sign reads: “SUPER BUG EXTERMINATORS EXTREME!!!!!” (yes, it has that many exclamation points). The back doors open and TAKEDA jumps out, dressed like a ghostbuster and wielding a giant flyswatter.

    TAKEDA: Spider in the hoooouse!!! I hate spiders! I hate all bugs! You know what you do with bugs you hate? You squish them! SQUUUUUUISSSSSH!!!!

    Takeda’s partner, 400-pound sumo SAITO, climbs out of the driver’s seat.

    SAITO: Acually, spiders aren’t bugs…

    TAKEDA: Shut up! I say Jason Spider is a bug, and I will squish him! Splat splat, just like that! Just like Joker squishing Man-bat!

    SAITO: … Actually, I think Batman won. And bats aren’t bugs, either….

    TAKEDA: Shut up! I know this! It was in Grade 1 science project!

    SAITO: ? I think you’re confusing that with a Calvin and Hobbs str-

    TAKEDA: Shut up! Tuesday, Jason Spider!!! I will SQUUUUISSSSH YOU!!!!

  2. Jason "Spider" Salva says:

    Inside a dark cavernous arena, a young female reporter looks around nervously. A camera operator stands across from her looking bored.

    Reporter: Where is this guy?
    Cam Op: What? Oh, I don’t know. but it’s been 12 minutes since my last break, and union rules say I have to have one every 10 minutes, so I’ll be back in 15.

    The op gets up and wanders off in to the darkness, leaving the reporter standing in the glare of his camera’s spotlight. From the darkness above her Jason Salva descends head-first to end up directly behind her. He taps her on the shoulder and she shrieks, dropping the microphone.

    Spider: Hello there beautiful.

    Reporter: Umm yeah, hi. You going to come down from there so we can do this interview.

    Spider: Sorry, I think I’ll just hang around a bit.

    Reporter: Oh. Ok. …. So, your debut bout is next week. How do you feel?

    Spider: With all my senses.

    Reporter: Wha..? No, I mean, what are you feeling?

    Spider: This rope.

    Reporter: Ugh, no that is what you are touching. What are you feeling?

    Spider: Sexy. Yeah, I feel sexy. I think it’s all this latex.

    Reporter: Jesus Christ. Fine, next question. Takeda says that he will “Squish” you. What do you have to say to that?

    Spider: Who’s this Takeda guy? Why would he want to squish me?

    Reporter: Your opponent. You know, the guy your going to wrestle.

    Spider: I have to wrestle someone? I thought we were just going to make out here. You know, you be MJ and I’m spiderman. Everyone wants to kiss an upside-down spider guy, don’t they?

    Reporter: No.

    Spider. Oh. Well then, you tell this Takeda guy to watch out. Spiders lurk everywhere, we can come out of any corner to bite you, creepy creepy crawly crawly.

    Cam Op: Ok, I’m back, lets do this.

    Reporter: Ok Mr. Salva, now that we’re warmed up I’ll ask you some similar questions and we put it on tape this time.

    She looks around, but Jason has disappeared into the shadows again

    Reporter: F$%@!! I hate this job.

  3. CAM GORDY says:

    Rod Stevenson? Who’s Rod Stevenson? A dirty biker? That’s who they have me wrestling this week? Are you going to waffle me with a tire iron when I’m not looking? I don’t care if you bring your whole gang, Stevenson. I’ll take you all on. I’ll stretch every one of you and make you scream. I’m a real wrestler. Not some two-bit punk with fancy tattoos who thinks he can go in the ring. I’ll see you Tuesday night!

    • DBulley says:

      Reporters finally track down Stevenson after days of searching. They eventually find him stubling out of a local watering hole in the early morning hours. When asked for his comments on the fight, Stevenson barks angrilly, “Cam f@ckin’ Gordy – the guy has two first names…Was his parents drinkin’ or somethin’?” Stevenson stubmles a bit, bumping the camera man. “You tell that preppy punk that I’m gonna smash him to pieces – they’ll never recognize his pretty face when I’m done with him.”

      Stevenson then asks the female reporter for a hug and a smoke before blurting out, “I’ve gotta pee,” and proceeds to undo his belt and unzip his fly, at which point the coverage quickly stops.

      • CAM GORDY says:

        Seriously? This is how you get ready for your matches? By drinking in seedy bars? While you’ve been getting wasted, Stevenson, I’ve been training hard and practicing new holds, that I’m going to use to make you scream like a girl. You’re not so tough, punk. You’re just a mean drunk.

  4. Garbage Picker says:

    The camera slowly pulls zoom from a roaring fire as we hear a voice superimposed on the image
    I once read in a book I burnt that the Pheonix was a mystical, mythical creature that would rise from the ashes of its own self-immolation. Truly a sight to behold.
    We now see the Garbage Picker with a bag, standing beside an incinerator, door open and flames licking out
    I’ve never seen a Pheonix, but I try to imagine one, and all I come up with is a chicken… a lousy, stinking, run of the mill, chicken. So, an object lesson. He opens his bag and dumps out a pile of dead chickens. He then starts tossing them into the incinerator You can burn a chicken, just as you can burn a Pheonix, and it sure smells tasty, but in the end, its just another dead bird.
    He stares into the fire, expectantly waiting for something to happen. Nothing does

    Just another dead bird.

    He slams the door of the incinerator and walks away

    • Phoenix Rising says:

      [Phoenix Rising is in the children’s ward of a local hospital, entertaining kids suffering from horrible life-threatening illnesses. He’s wearing a grey suit and a spiffy yellow lucha mask this week. A bald kid with one eye and and an IV in his wrist beats Rising in an arm-wrestling contest.]

      Phoenix: Wow, kid, you’re strong! You’re going to be a great wrestler some day. Not like my opponent for Tuesday.

      GARBAGE PICKER… Are you calling me a chicken? I’ve never backed down from a fight. I’ve beaten bige men, little men. But I’ve never beat a GARBAGE man.

      Tuesday night, I’m sending you back to whatever dumpster you crawled out of. Picker, you’d better watch the sky, cause the Phoenix is about to dive on you!

      [Rising goes back to helping sick kids and making the world a better place.]

  5. Rod "The Biker" Stevenson says:

    Hey Gordy, Your mouth keeps running, it’s gonna bang right into my fist. All your fancy moves can’t make up for all the practice I’ve put in busting ribs with my boys while you’re getting your beauty rest. You’re gonna need to call your mommy to have her hold you when I’m done with you…And if you need her number, I’ve got her on speed dial.

  6. Jason Salva says:

    A garage door rolls open and we see Jason stuck to what is obviously a velcro wall, hanging sideways 6 feet up

    “Well… it’s tonight Takeda. Are you ready? Cuz I am. Ready to bite. Have you ever had a spider bite? They hurt. But only a little.”
    we hear a ripping sound as he peels one arm off the wall

    “But then wait. A little red ring appears. Then it swells. Then it oozes pus. Soon it is a ghastly festering wound leaking fluids like a 20 year old faucet. Or like a 40 year old hooker.”
    Jason peels his other arm off the wall and shakes his finger at the camera
    “You ready for that?”
    As the scene fades to black we hear a slow long ripping sound followed by a squeal and a loud thup…

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