PREVIEW: C.L.A.W. Tuesday Night Fights 10/04/11 *UPDATED*

Posted: September 28, 2011 in Fight Night Preview
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Main Event: Over-the-Top Battle Royal for the C.L.A.W. Championship

Every man in CLAW will participate for a chance to walk away as the first ever Canadian Lucha Action Wrestling Champion!

Current Participants: Cam Gordy, Garbage Picker, Jason “The Spider” Salva, Masa Saito, Phoenix Rising, Pierre Boheme, Pistol Pete, Rod “The Biker” Stevenson, Ron Donaldson, Yoshi Takeda


Pistol Pete vs. Phoenix Rising

Just like the plot of a Sergio Leone movie, the lone gunslinger takes on the Mexican in a one-on-one showdown.

Cindy the Psycho Cheerleader vs. Queen Fat-Ema

One was a popular cheerleader who can’t connect with the real world, the other beat up cheerleaders for picking on her. In the first ever Women’s match in C.L.A.W., who will walk away with her head held high?

***More matches to be added***

This event will take place Tuesday night, October 4 at the Rona Centre in Ottawa, Ontario. Promos and strategies for this event are due Monday, September 12 at 12:00 pm EDT. Maximum of 2 promos per participant.

  1. Phoenix Rising says:

    [Phoenix Rising is installing a trophy case in his apartment. He’s wearing jeans, a yellow wrestling mask, and as always, no shirt. He puts the drill down, and leans on the empty case.]

    You see this? This is for my C.L.A.W. Title, which I’m taking home next Tuesday night. It’s going to look really nice next to all my other awards and titles… which are not there, because I had to put them in storage while I installed a bigger case. No, really. Last week, my match against Garbage Picker was just a small setback. I’m already back on the road to gold, while he’s back on the road, collecting trash.

    But before I win the championship, I have to dance with another newbie. Pistol Pete? What kind of name is that? I hear you fancy yourself a cowboy. This isn’t the 1950s, Pete. No one cares about cowboys anymore, and no one cares about you. Twenty years from now, when they talk about how Phoenix Rising was the first ever CLAW Champion, they’re not going to remember that he beat some gunslinger wannabe on the same night he won the title. You’re not even going to be a footnote in the history books, Pete.

    You’d better watch the sky, cowboy. Cause the Phoenix is gonna dive on YOU…

    [Rising picks up his drill and goes back to work.]

  2. [A dark locker room. Dozens of candle provide flickering light and shadow. In the middle of it all, the hulking figure of the 400-pound behemoth SAITO kneels upon the floor as if in meditation. His eyes open, and a thin smile appears on his lips.]

    SAITO: To all the fans and competitors of CLAW… you have been put on notice. The Hour of Saito has begun. Tuesday night, I will bring my dominance to the Battle Royal, and I will walk away as the Champion. I don’t care if I have to go through ten men, or twenty men, or thirty, at the end of the night…

    [The light flicks on. Saito blinks and cringes. TAKEDA walks into the shot, dripping wet and dressed only in a towel.]

    TAKEDA: What you doing, bro’? Wait, did you start taping without me???

    [Takeda flies in a rage, cursing and talking very fast in Japanese.]

    TAKEDA: Why you wanna play me like that, bro’? We supposed to be a team. There is no S-A-I-T-O in TEAM!

    SAITO: Well, actually, there’s an “A” and a “T”…

    TAKEDA: SHUT UP! That’s not what I meant! You can no put yourself ahead of Supa Ringubushi! We go in there together, and we kick ass together, and we win together!

    SAITO: Actually, only one guy can win the…

    TAKEDA: SHUT UP! You watch me! You watch me crush Phony Rising! You watch me ass-whup Pissy Pete! You watch me kick Roddy the Biker in the BALLS!

    SAITO: Well, if you beat up everybody, what am I supposed to do?

    TAKEDA: SHUT- no wait, that valid question. You watch my back! You watch my back, and when the night is over, TAKEDA will be the CLAW CHAMPION! [Takeda starts jumping around the locker room, pretending to pose with the title belt.]

    SAITO: I thought you said we’ll win together?

    [Takeda freezes. His bath towel falls, his skinny pale ass filling the screen.]

    TAKEDA: … shut up.


  3. Garbage Picker says:

    We see Garbage picker standing beside HIS trophy case, handling various pieces of trash and a bedraggled beaten up, stuffed pigeon.

    Just another dead bird… I add it to my collection so I will remember all the most important cleaning jobs I ever did. This steel shank, I took that from Harry-ette Tub-man, the fattest transvestite to ever grace the Pen. The yo-yo, I took that from The Kid. He cried like a girl. This aluminum can…. I like to recycle. Soon there will be a belt to sit in here too. It will add class. I’m going to take you all to school next week and clean your lockers real good.

  4. Rod "The Biker" Gordy says:

    Claw-TV breaking report: Late lastnight at precisely 1:11AM, the residences of Phoenix Rising and Garbage Picker were broken into. At Phoenix Rising’s apartment, the newly installed trophy case was torn from the wall and smashed to pieces. No one was hurt, but there was a note left stuck to the fridge with duct tape, instructing the Phoenix to migrate south and leave the belt to the real champion, Rod “The Biker”. At the same time, two thugs were busy tidying up the Garbage Picker’s apartment, emptying out his display case and performing a “Hoarders” style intervention – it seems that even bikers cannot stand the filth that follows Garbage Picker around.
    When reached for comment, Rod Stevenson denied any connection to the event, despite the obvious biker connection. He ensured reporters that he would never order such an attack, but that he would surely “buy those bros a beer” to thank them for their handy work. Stevenson then excused himself, mentioning something about getting back to his training, before heading back into the bar with Cam Gordy’s mom.

  5. Jason Salva says:

    A dark room with tight pinspots of light criss-crossing it is revealed, fine strands of spider-web shimmering in the air. Salva’s voice floats out of the darkness

    “The spider is the king of insects. We crawl from the unseen and snare with the invisible. On Tuesday none of you will know what hit you, no one will see the web that will ensnare you. I will be the champion of CLAW. Takeda felt my bite last week – ask him how the wound festers.”

    The camera pans around the room, but Jason is still nowhere to be seen

    “Your defeat will be sprung upon you!”

    There is a loud crash and the camera falls over and spins around. We see Salva hopping in a circle holding his shin where he slammed in to the camera

    “Like that! Death from above!”
    The scene fades to black as the Spide limps away, swearing under his breath

  6. Rod "The Biker" Stevenson says:

    Cameras pan to shot of Stevenson heading to the OPP station to answer for his role in the B&E’s that took place. Stevenson is wearing his typical tattered jeans and a black t-shirt with green lettering that reads, “Corky’s Pest Control.” When asked about for comment, Stevenson, oblivious to the fact the reporter is referring to the B&E’s, responds, “You can tell that freak that I’ve handled pests much larger than him and that I’m gonna hog-tie him in those ropes of his and drag him outta the arena behind my Harley.”
    When reporters refer to his tenous legal situation, Peterson insists he’s not worried about it, that his “friends” will take care of it, and then cracks a beer on the steps of the OPP office.

  7. CiNdY tHe PsYcHo ChEeRlEaDeR says:

    – The lights come up on the hallway of a school. A grown woman with wild pigtails and a dirty cheerleader costume is doing cartwheels down the hall, running into students. The Principal chases after her. –

    Principal – Cindy, you can’t keep doing this! You graduated 8 years ago, you can’t keep hanging out here.

    – Cindy grabs the Principal and throws him up against the lockers. –

    Cindy – I was Queen here! I can do what I want. Do you know how hard I had to work to get to the top of the pile? Do you know how many football players I’ve had to date? And trust me, they just keep getting dumber and dumber.

    I was supposed to be Queen of CLAW, too! But some bimbo calling herself QUEEN FATEMA is coming in here trying to take over. You’d better back off, skank, if you know what’s good for you. I’m number one around here, always have been, always will be. You step in the ring with me and I’ll shove my pompoms down your ugly throat!

    – Cindy runs off down the hall, continuing to chant “I’m number one! I’m number one!” –

  8. PIERRE BOHEME says:

    (Pierre Boheme is sitting at a Second Cup, sipping a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette in a long black holder. His poodle, Fifi, is sitting at his feet chewing on a baguette. An employee walks up to Boheme to ask him to stop smoking and drinking in their establishment. The Frenchmen kicks him in the shin, puts him in a headlock, and drives him face-first into a shelf full of travel mugs.)

    Zorry about zat. (He sits back down, and pulls out a list of names.) Now, where wuz I? Ah oui, my opponents for ze Battle Royale! Let me zee… Phoenix Rizing, he iz a scamp, I will beat him comme ça! (He snaps his fingers.) Garbage Pecker, he iz filthy, I will not soil my handz touching him… Cam Gordy. Well, everyone can beat Cam Gordy, huh, huh, huh! I think hez on mudder beatz him.

    Ah, but who iz dis? Ron Donaldzun? I do not know who diz iz? He iz some sort of antiques dealer? Huh, huh, huh, you Canadians, you know nothing about hiztory! In France, we have ze Roman Aquaducts and the Arche de Triomphe! In Canada, you have beaver damz and a coffee shop named after a hockey player. Sacre bleu, I hope your wrestling is better den your country, or I will fall asleep kicking the merde out of you. At ze end of the night, RON DONALDZUN, I will have you screaming VIVE LA FRANCE! And I will ze new CLAW Champion!

    (Pierre rips up the list and goes back to his wine. He pulls a huge wheel of cheese out from under his chair, and takes a big bite out of it.)

  9. Rod "The Biker" Stevenson says:

    (Stevenson sits backstage in the green room, sipping a beer and eating doritos, waiting for his break on latenight tv).

    Host: Please welcome my next guest, Rod “The Biker” Stevenson (insert applause here). Welcome Rod. I understand it’s been a big week for you. Fresh off your first big win and dragged into the police office to answer to your role in two B&Es.

    Stevenson: (interupting the host) Now Dave, we both know that I was cleared of all wrongdoing. And honestly, it’s been a slow week. I’m used to kicking @ss and dealing with the cops. I’m just looking forward to this Tuesday’s match. I’ve been training non-stop to get ready.

    Host: What sort of gruelling training does a professional athlete like yourself go through to get ready for the big event?

    Stevenson: Well, to be honest, I’m a hands on sort of guy, so mostly, I’ve been hitting local bars, drinkin’ my face off and brawlin’! It’s what got me here Dave and I don’t want to mess with a winning formula.

    Host: Umm, right, so what else is new these days Rod?

    Stevenson: Well, I’m sure that you’ve heard that my romance with Cam Gordy’s mom ended recently, so ladies, I’m single! That’s right, y’all give me a call now. Seriously though, I’ve been working on my standup routine – wanna hear my new one?

    Host: Standup – really? DO I want to go there? Ah, what the hell, lets hear it.

    Stevenson: What do a guy with two first names whose mom I banged, a garbage man, a spider, two asian dudes, a bird, a Frenchman, a cowboy and an antique dealer have in common?

    Host: Gee, that’s a bit long, umm…let me see. Geez, I dunno.

    Stevenson: Just ask me what they’ve got in common Dave.

    Host: What do they have in common?

    Stevenson: I’m gonna kick the daylights out of them tomorrow!

    Host: We’re all out of time for tonight. And if I can’t get some better interviews, I might be out of a job soon. (cue credits and music)

    Stevenson: Hey, was that a shot at me, you piece of shat? You think I’m dumb or something, big shot? I’ll rip your arms off and feed ’em to your cat. (Stevenson picks up the chair and hammers it on the desk. Security attempts to wrestle him to the ground, but he proceeds to toss two of them off of him and the camera fades out as he’s in mid air, about to drop an elbow on one of their throats).

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