Tonight on Tuesday Night Fights, live from our nation’s capital in Ottawa, we will see the first-ever CLAW Heavyweight Champion crowned in an Over-the-Top Battle Royal!

[Pyro goes off as CLAW Tuesday Night Fights begins.  The theme song, “Fight Song” by Marilyn Manson, plays as clips roll of big sweaty men slamming each other with meaty fists and chairs. Cut to three people sitting at an announce desk with a cheering crowd behind them.]

Mike Kravinchik: Welcome back to C.L.A.W. Tuesday Night Fights, ladies and gentlemen!  We are coming to you LIVE from the Rona Centre at Lansdowne Park in Ottawa, Ontario.  I’m Mike Kravinchik, your play-by-play announcer for tonight’s card.  Joing me is former women’s champion, the lovely Miss Paula Brown, as well as my longtime broadcast partner, Bernardo Verezzi.

[Kravinchik is a slim, white-haired man in his 50s dressed in a black suit and a bow tie.  Verezzi is of similar age but heavyset, tanned, with greasy hair and thick chest hair mixed with too many gold chains. Brown is a tatooed, athletic woman in her mid-thirties with short red hair, sporting a cut-off CLAW wrestling t-shirt.]

Paula Brown: Do we have a show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen!  In our main event, we will see the crowning of the first ever C.L.A.W. Heavyweight Champion.

Bernardo Verezzi: It will be a historic moment, for sure.  I’m on pins and needles, just thinking about it.  I feel like Mike does when he wakes up on the couch after drinking himself to sleep with a bottle of tequila.

MK: I think you’re confusing me with how you spent last night, Bernie.  Before we get to our Main Event, we have two other big matches.  First up in a debut, so let’s head to the ring for the introductions.

OPENER: PISTOL PETE VS. PHOENIX RISING

[“Il Buono, Il Cattivo, Il Brutto” begins to play as a man walks slowly down to the ring with duster and hat pulled low. He looks around at people. He catches the gaze of a small boy with a “Jason the Spider” sign and holds his stare until the boy starts crying. Once in the ring pulls out his six shooter and fires at the four corners in rapid succesion. Crowd boos.]

MK: Who is this guy supposed to be?

PB: They call him Pistol Pete. He’s a trick shot specialist from a circus sideshow, but he also learned to wrestle from old school catch-as-catch-can shooters and strong men.  I’ve seen him training, he’s very technically skilled.  I just don’t know why he’s dressed like a cattle rustler.

BV: He’s the Man With No Name, Paula!

PB: Who?

BV: Clint Eastwood?  Sergeo Leone?

PB: Who?

BV: How old are you, anyway?

[“Higher” by Creed begins to play and Phoenix Rising runs down to the ring, streamers flying from his knee and elbow pads, slapping the hands of fans on his way.  He leaps onto the apron and flips over the top rope into the ring.]

MK: The crowd is on their feet for the luchadore, Phoenix Rising. He’s trying to bounce back after a hard loss from another technically skilled wrestler last week, Garbage Picker.

PB: I have to admit, Mr. Picker is a gifted wrestler, though his personal hygene leaves something to be desired.

BV: Picker kicked Phoenix Rising’s ass all over the ring last week, and the same thing’s going to happen here tonight.

MK: So you’re picking Pistol Pete in this bout, Bernie?

BV: Damn right, I am.  He looks like Clint Eastwood, for crying out loud!

PB: OH!  He was that guy from Back to the Future, right?

Ring Announcer Fred Bueller: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a twenty minute time limit.  Introducing first, on my right, dressed in black and hailing from Parts Unknown.  Weighing in at 170 pounds, he is PISTOL PEEEEEEEEEETE!!! [Crowd boos.]

BV: Look at him!  No fear, at all.  He’s as cool as a cucumber.

MK: Pistol certainly looks focused and ready, but he’s going to have to be determined to keep the quick Phoenix Rising grounded.

Fred Bueller: His opponent, wearing red trimmed with yellow, from Tijuana Mexico and weighing in at 160 pounds, he is PHOENIX RRRRRRRRISING!!! [Crowd cheers*]

MK: Referee Johnny Green checks both men for foreign objects.

BV: He should make Rising take off those streamers – they could be used to choke someone!

MK: Now both men shake hands and we are underway! [*DING, DING, DING*] Rising looks to tie up but Pistol Pete just stares him down.  Rising gets in his face but Pete doesn’t even move!

BV: He’s too cool for you, Rising.

PB: Is he trying to psyche out his opponent?

MK: Rising now, playing to the crowd, getting them on their feet.  Here comes Rising, off the ropes, and Pete leapfrogs over him!  Rising on the return, Pete scoops him up into a backbreaker!

PB: That Clint Westwood guy is quick!

BV: EASTWOOD! God, I’m working with morons…

MK: Phoenix Rising back up, goes to work on the leg. Dragonscrew takedown!  Pete quickly back to his feet and Rising hits the Japanese armdrag.  And another one!

BV: For a Mexican guy, he sure uses a lot of Japanese armdrags…

MK: Rising goes for a third and Pistol Pete blocks it.  Discus clothesline from the gunslinger!

PB: Excellent form from Pistol Pete. His moves are sharp.

MK: Lateral press applied, hooks the far leg…

One…

Two… kickout!

PB: Again, excellent form.  That was a textbook cover by Pistol Pete.

MK: Rising getting to his feet, and Pete takes him down with a chopblock to the back of the knee! Pistol Pete really working the leg now, stomping on the hamstring and thigh of the luchadore.  Now turning him over, crosses the legs… INDIAN DEATHLOCK!!!

BV: Oh, that hurts. I know from experience.

PB: I didn’t know you wrestled, Bernardo?

BV: No, but my second wife used to sit on me like that.

MK: Pete really applying the pressure on that deathlock.  Rising is screaming in agony but he refuses to give up.

PB: That hold really does a number to your knees, Mike.  Even if he escapes the hold, he may not be able to stand after this.

MK: Rising manages to reach back and grabs Pete’s neck… Pete releases the hold.  Oh, but Rising is hurting.

BV: Look at him trying to stand up!  He looks like you after a two beers, Mike!

MK: Rising gets up and OH MY!  Huge belly to belly suplex from Pistol Pete.  What an impact!  Pete goes for another cover…

One…

Two…

Rising gets a shoulder up!

BV: Stay down, Rising, learn what’s good for ya!

MK: His back and legs must be hurting, but Rising once again fights up, and drops Pete with a drop toehold!  Excellent counter!  Elbow drop to the back of the head, and Rising runs the ropes… high flipping dropkick tags Pistol Pete right in the kisser!

PB: He landed that solidly on Pete’s jaw, Mike.  Pete goes down seeing stars.

MK: Rising goes for the cover…

One…

Pistol Pete kicks out!

BV: Not even close!

MK: Rising tries to lock in a headlock, but Pete elbows him in the ribs and pushes him off! Double-leg takedown by Pistol Pete, and he holds on to drive an elbow into Rising’s already injured knee!

PB: Just brutal, Mike, Pete is really taking his opponent apart!

MK: Rising barely has a leg to stand on, but Pete pulls him back to his feet anyway… OH MY!  HUGE exploder suplex nearly takes Rising right out of his boots!  Pete pulls him up… belly to back suplex!  MY GOD, he’s destroying him in there!

BV: I love it!

PB: Did you see the way Rising’s neck and head bounced off the mat on both of those suplexes?  It wouldn’t surprise me if the luchadore is unconconscious after that!

MK: Pistol Pete goes for the cover…

One…

Two…

Th-foot on the ropes! Rising got his foot on the ropes!

BV: I thought he had him!

MK: So did Pistol Pete, by the look of it! The gunslinger looks angry, and now he drags Rising once again to a vertical base, possibly looking for another suplex to finish the job.

PB: What the hell?  [*DING, DING, DING*]

BV: He just punched him in the balls!

Fred Bueller:  Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, PHOENIX RISING!!!!

MK: That was perhaps the fastest lowblow I have ever seen!  Pistol Pete had this match won, but instead of putting Phoenix Rising away, he nailed him with a blatant low blow, right in front of the referee.

BV: I feel a little bad for the Mexican kid now, he’s hurting…

MK: Rising is on his knees in the middle of the ring, and Pete is just laughing at him.  Wait, now he picks him up… belly-to-belly suplex!  Rising lands hard on the back of his head and he’s out cold!

PB: What a sickening display.  Pete has all the skills to compete here in the ring, but instead he chooses to make a mockery of our fine sport.  Now what’s he doing?

MK: Pistol Pete has retrieved his duster from ringside and his laying it out over a Phoenix Rising’s body.

BV: Hey, he has style, you have to give him that.

[“Il Buono, Il Cattivo, Il Brutto” begins to play as Pete walks out of the ring.]

MK: Well that was a strange way to start the show.  We will be right back folks, don’t go away!

[COMMERCIALS]

MK: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.  We’ve been talking about our historic main event later tonight, but up next we actually have another first – the first ever Women’s match in CLAW.

SEMI-FINAL: CINDY THE PSYCHO CHEERLEADER VS. QUEEN FAT-EMA

PB: That’s right, Mike, we are about to watch two very talented, dedicated women tear each other apart in that ring.

BV: Is there going to be mud involved?

PB: Of course not! These women are professionals!  Trained, skilled wrestlers. They’re not strippers, Bernardo.

BV: That’s why I’ve been married so many times.  I just love the bachelor parties.

[Pink’s “Stupid Girls” begins to play.  Cindy comes down to the ring, alternating between screaming at the fans and begging to know why they don’t like her.  She stops in the middle of the aisle to do a cheer routine. “I’m number one!  I’m number one!” Crowd cheers.]

BV: Oooo, cheerleaders.  I thought you said they weren’t strippers?

PB: Cindy is a gymnast and former national cheerleading champion.  She is a premiere athlete, and a bit crazy, too.

BV: How crazy?  Are we talking cute and forgetful crazy, or bake your hamsters in the microwave crazy?

PB: Christian Bale with an axe crazy.

[“She’s A Lady” by Tom Jones begins to play.  Four large, oiled bodybuilders come down the aisle carrying Queen Fat-Ema on a throne.  She’s eating a bucket of chicken. Crowd boos]

BV: Who the heck is this?

MK: That’s Queen Fat-Ema.  She is a beast, and ready to run rough-shod over the ladies of CLAW.  Now what’s she’s doing?

PB: That kid at ringside is yelling at her.

MK: Ema is going up to the kid, yelling back at him. SHE SLAPPED HIM!!

PB: I don’t believe it!

MK: Ema just slapped a 10 year old kid!  That’s not right, she shouldn’t be allowed to do that!

BV: The kid deserved it.  Did you see the way he was mouthing off at her?  Kids today don’t have any respect.

PB: I think she left a greasy handprint on the side of his face…

Fred Bueller: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a twenty minute time limit.  Introducing first, on my right, wearing white and pink, from Houston, Texas and weighing in at 140 pounds, she is CINDY THE PSYYYYYYYYCHO CHEEEEEEEEERLEADER!!! [Crowd cheers]

MK: She is psyched up!  She’s ready to go, she’s on fire, she’s… choking on her own hair?

PB: A lot of girls chew on their own hair, she just… went a little overboard.

Fred Bueller: And her opponent, wearing a greasy t-shirt, from Guttertown, Ontario and weighing in at 170 pounds, she is QUEEN FAT-EEEEEEEEEEMA!!!! [Crowd boos]

MK: She’s a scary looky little troll.

BV: I like her!

MK: You into trolls, Bernie?

BV: Meh, she’s better looking than my third wife.

MK: Referee Green is trying to get these ladies to shake hands, but neither of them want any part of it.  They just want him to ring the bell! [*DING, DING, DING*] We are underway and they go right after each other, pounding and punching away!

BV: Oh, my god! These ladies are vicious!

MK: Ema ends up on top and she’s just wailing on Cindy, punching her in the face and head!  Referee tries to pull them apart, Ema backs off.. but then goes right back in with stomps!  Huge kneedrop, right to the throat!

PB: Queen Ema is a house of fire to start off here tonight!

MK: Cindy finally making her way to her feet and Ema nails her with a headbutt!  The cheerleader is reeling, and Ema whips her hard into the corner.  Follows in with a big clothesline!

PB: Ema is looking to overwhelm her opponent with quick offence, and so far she is completely in control.

BV: Do you see that crazy look in Ema’s eyes?  I think she’s deciding whether to pin her or eat her!

MK: Ema just stomping a mudhole into Cindy in the corner.  Referee Johnny Green forces her to make a break… and Ema goes right back in with a kick to the jaw!

PB: Cindy is struggling to her feet now.  She seems to be bleeding from the mouth, looks like Ema may have busted her lip open.

MK: Queen Fat-Ema presses the advantange, front facelock applied… beautiful swinging neckbreaker!  Ema goes for the cover…

One…

Two,..

And Cindy kicks out!  She is in trouble.

BV: I am genuinely afraid of Queen Ema.

MK: Ema drags Cindy by the hair across the ring!  Setting her up for something, NO!  Cindy rakes Ema in the eyes!  Cindy on her feet, bounces off the ropes!  Flattens Ema with a huge clothesline!

BV: Where did that come from?

PB: That was just a desperation move, Cindy is really trying hard to get back into this match.

MK: Ema rolls to the outside, looks like she’s trying to catch her breath before her opponent can build up momentum. Cindy follows out onto the apron… DIVING TACKLE ON THE FLOOR!

BV: She’s nuts!

MK: Cindy nails Ema with a dive from the apron to the floor!  Ema hit the ground hard!  Now Cindy has Ema pinned, pummeling her head with big right hands!  Referee is starting his ten count but these ladies don’t seem to care!

PB: They are more interested in hurting each other than winning this match!

MK: Cindy has Ema by the hair and his bouncing her head off the floor like a ball!  Now Referee Green is out there to break it up.  He pulls Cindy off while Ema staggers to her feet.

BV: Now Ema is busted open, too!

MK: Yes, looks like Cindy opened up a gash above Ema’s left eye.  Johnny Green goes to check on it, but Ema shoves him aside!  She goes right after Cindy and slams her head into the ring apron!

PB: This match is getting out of control, the referee should really put a stop to this.

BV: What are you talking about?  I haven’t seen anything like this since last Thanksgiving when I went to Mike’s place and his wife got into a fight with his sister-in-law!

MK: The women are brawling right in front off us on the floor now… LOOK OUT!

BV: You spilled my scotch!  I mean, my soda!

MK: Queen Ema just bounced Cindy’s face off our announce desk!  Now she whips her into the security barricade… WHAT AN IMPACT!!

PB: Cindy is grabbing her shoulder.  She hit the rail really hard, Mike, she may have dislocated her shoulder, or even broken something.

MK: Johnny Green is counting once again, looks like this one could end in a count-out if these two don’t get back into the ring.

PB: Again, I don’t think either of them cares about winning.  They’re just trying to hurt each other out here.

MK: Ema has Cindy by the hair, dragging her back to the ring!  Elbow to the face, then rolls her in under the bottom rope.  She follows her in, and scoops her up with a gutwrench…

PB: This isn’t going to tickle…

MK: Ema has Cindy up on her shoulder!  Cindy is howling… and Queen Ema drops to her knees!  Canadian Backbreaker!  Cindy clutches her lower back!

PB: Imperssive strength shown here by Queen Fat-Ema.  It takes alot of power to use your own  shoulder as a weapon like that, but it concentrated the impact of Cindy’s weight right a single point at the small of her back.  A move like that could easily slip a disc or rupture a kidney.

MK: I’m not sure what kind of damage it did, but Ema goes for the cover…

One…

Two…

Th– Cindy grabs the bottom rope!

PB: She was lucky!  You can see she doesn’t have enough strength to kick out, her back is a mess, and probably her shoulder, too.

BV: And don’t forget the blood streaming down her face!

MK: Yes, both women now, busted open and showing red.  Cindy is trying to get up but her legs are unsteady.  Ema is just waiting for her, ready to go in for the kill and finish her off.  Ema charges… Cindy grabs her by the hair and drives her face into the mat!

PB: An excellent bulldog by the cheerleader, but once again I think that was entirely a desperation move.

MK: Both ladies are down and Johnny Green is checking to see if they can even continue!  Ema shoves her aside and rolls out once again to the floor.

BV: Oh, oh, now where’s she going?

MK: Ema heads over to the timekeeper’s table and LOOK-OUT!  She has a chair!

PB: Cindy, get out of there….

MK: Ema has commandeered a folding steel chair from the timekeeper and is heading back into the ring! Cindy meets her kicks her, right in the head!

PB: Ema’s little trek on the outside gave the cheerleader enough time to recover.

MK: The referee is trying to keep these ladies seperated but Cindy continues kick and stomp at Ema.  Ema drags herself up and stuns Cindy with a kick to the gut, and now…. WHAT WAS THAT?

PB: That is disgusting….

BV: Did she just spit on her?

PB: She burped on her!

MK: Queen Fat-Ema appears to have just belched on her opponent, and Cindy is staggered by the noxious smell.  Ema now, picks up the chair once again… [*WHAM*]

BV: AWESOME!!!

MK: Ema just blasted Cindy, right in the head with that chair!  Cindy is out!  She’s on the mat and out!

[*DING, DING, DING*]

MK: Referee Johnny Green tries to take the chair from Ema now, but OH GOD NO!

BV: HA! I love it!

MK: Queen Ema just gave Johnny Green the toxic belch, too!  Now the referee is on the mat, choking.  This is insane!

Fred Bueller:  Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, CINDY THE PSYCHO CHEERLEADER!!!!!

PB: Well, that chair might have cost Ema the match, but she certainly made her mark in C.L.A.W.

BV: Yeah, and it was right on top of Cindy’s head!

MK: We have to take a commercial folks but don’t go away!  We’ll be right back.

[COMMERCIALS]

MAIN EVENT: BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE CLAW TITLE

MK: This is it!  The moment you’ve been waiting for!  The next match will decide the FIRST-EVER Canadian Lucha Action Wrestling champion!

BV: I can’t wait, Mike!  This is going to be a historic moment.

PB: For once, Bernardo, I agree with you.  You can feel the electricity in the air!  We have ten men, all focused on one, single goal: Winning the CLAW Championship.

BV: But only one of them can walk away as the winner!

MK: Let’s run down the line-up here:  We have ten competitors, with varying skills and backgrounds.  There’s Phoenix Rising, the high-flying luchadore, Pierre Boheme, the tough-as-nails French brawler, the Canadian technical machine, Cam Gordy.

BV: Cam Gordy has about as much chance of winning this match as I have of getting a date with Paula.

PB: You never asked, Bernardo.

BV: So I have a chance, then?

PB: … No.

MK: Then we have the three newcomers who made impressive debuts last week – the submission machine Garbage Picker, the high-flying Jason Salva, and the powerhouse Rod Stevenson.

PB: Normally I would say Mr. Picker’s submission skills and Salva’s high-altitude attacks wouldn’t help them in this kind of match, but I’ve seen bigger surprises in a Battle Royal.  There is going to be chaos in that ring, and it honestly could be anyone’s match.

MK: Same goes for Pistol Pete.  He looked great in the ring earlier tonight but after that match you have to wonder if he has enough steam for another. And don’t forget the tag team of Yoshi Takeda and Masa Saito. If they work together they could become a force to be reckoned with.

PB: We’ve also got a wild-card in the newly-signed Ron Donaldson.  We haven’t seen him in singles action yet, but I saw him years ago in an MMA tournament and he looked pretty impressive.

BV: Isn’t he an accountant now?

PB: Antiquarian.

BV: A what?

PB: A dealer in antiquities.

BV: Is that anything like amphetemines?

PB: See, Bernardo?  That’s why you’ll never have a chance with me.  Or with any woman with an IQ bigger than her bra size.

BV: Whatever. I gave up on you years ago.  Anyway, I like Saito in this match, I really do.  He weighs 400 pounds!  Who’s going to throw him out of the ring?

MK: That’s an excellent point, Bernie.  Many of the men in his match are only half of Saito’s size.  That’s going to be a huge advantage to the former Sumo wrestler.

PB: Remember this is an over-the-top Battle Royal.  The only way to be eliminated is to exit the ring over the top rope, and for both of your feet to hit the floor.  There are no pinfalls or submissions or time limits.

MK: All the competitors have made their way to the ring, so let’s get to this!

BV: Wait, is that Ron Donaldson?  The guy in the sweater vest?

PB: I think so.  He’s put on a bit of weight since his cage-fighting days.

BV: He looks like a high-school art teacher!

Fred Bueller: The following contest is an Over-the-Top Battle Royal for the C.L.A.W. Championship!  The last man standing will be crowned the first-ever CLAW CHAMPION! [Crowd cheers.]

Fred Bueller: In addition, Dr. Claw announced just moments ago that the last man to be eliminated will receive the first shot at the new champion’s title in just two weeks at HOGTOWN HOSTILITY in Toronto!

BV: What?

MK: Oh my! What a night!  So not only will this Battle Royal crown the first champion, but we will also decide the number one contender in the same match!

PB: Interesting concept.  This will mean that the top two guys will come out of this match ahead, which could pressure some of these competitors into working together.  A two man alliance has a much better chance of being the last two standing than a single wrestler has of winning all by himself.

BV: The odds for Saito and Takeda just got even better!

MK: All ten men are in the ring, wait, where’s Jason Salva?

BV: Ah, we can get started without him, it’s not like that little freak is going to win, anyway.

PB: Look, up there in the rafters!

MK: OH MY! Jason “The Spider” Salva is descending into the ring via a rope from the ceiling!

BV: Frigging little grasshopper…

PB: He’s a SPIDER!

MK: Salva lands in the ring to join the fray and there’s the bell! [*DING, DING, DING*] We are underway!

BV: What the hell?

MK: Salva is leaving again!  As soon as the bell rang, he began ascending back towards the ceiling of the Rona Centre!

BV: Oh, c’mon ref, disqualify him!  He should be eliminated for that!

PB: Well, technically, he hasn’t touched the floor, so he’s still in the match!

BV: Oh, that is total crap.

MK: Bodies are just flying everywhere!  Some competitors are squaring off, looks like Cam Gordy is going right after Masa Saito, peppering the big man with fists and kicks, but Saito stops him with a headbutt!

PB: That was a vicious shot, I think Saito might have broken his nose!

MK: Gordy is definitely hurting, and now LOOK OUT!  Saito scoops Cam Gordy up and tosses him right out of the ring!

BV: Told you.

CAM GORDY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

MK: Cam Gordy is the first elimination, but there are still many more to go.  Ron Donaldson appears to be taking his time getting involved.

BV: He probably doesn’t want to get his sweater dirty.

MK: Phoenix Rising is pounding on Garbage Picker in the corner.  Trying to force him over the top rope but the sanitation worker from Etobicoke is hanging onto the turnbuckle.

PB: What’s Takeda doing?

BV: He’s forming an impenetrable alliance with his tag team partner.

PB: He’s HIDING BEHIND SAITO! Takeda is hiding behind his 400-pound tag team partner.  This is just embarassing.

MK: Takeda certainly looks to be taking his time getting involved, while Saito is pounding the Frenchman, Pierre Boheme, with big meaty fists.  Rod Stevenson looks to help Boheme possibly eliminate the big man, but PHOENIX RISING clocks him from behind!

PB: That was a beautifully executed spinning heel kick, right to the back of the Biker’s skull.

MK: Stevenson goes to his knees, and Rising plants him face-first with a bulldog!

PB: This could be it for Stevenson!

BV: Yeah, but Rising has to get him over the top rope to eliminate him!  Rod Stevenson has 100 pounds on the Mexican kid, I don’t see this happening.

MK: Rising tries to pull the Biker to his feet and OH MY!  Stevenson nails him with a low blow!

PB: The refs can’t do anything about it, they’re just there to score the eliminations.

MK: Stevenson recovers and nearly takes Rising’s head off with a clothesline!  Now he just picks up the luchadore and tosses him out of the ring like he was a rag doll.

PHOENIX RISING HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

BV: HA! Did you see the way his face bounced off the floor?  Can we get a replay of that?

PB: That was a nasty spill.  Phoenix Rising’s head really hit the floor hard.  He’s having trouble getting to his feet.  Trainers are out to help him to the back.

MK: We hope that he’s not seriously hurt.  But the match is still going on!  Rod Stevenson turns and is trying to help Pierre Boheme dump Garbage Picker out, but the sanitation worker continues to hold onto the ropes!

PB: He is a sticky one.

MK: Now Boheme gives up and goes after Ron Donaldson, who was keeping a low profile in the corner.  Boheme nails Donaldson with big forearm shots, forcing up back up against the ropes.

PB: Look out, he lost his glasses!

BV: Someone should really be trying to get that moron Salva down out of the rafters.

MK: Boheme backs up and goes for a charge, but Donaldson ducks and Boheme is hung up on the top rope!

PB: That is a precarious position for the Frenchman, he’s in trouble!

MK: Saito!  Saito capitalizes and smashes Boheme in the back, easily knocking him to the floor and out of this match!

PIERRE BOHEME HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

PB: That was a rookie mistake by someone who should really know better.

BV: Ah, you know the French.  He probably drank half a bottle of wine before the match, cut him some slack.

MK: Ron Donaldson appears to be apologizing to Pierre Boheme.  He really shouldn`t turn his back on the action like that.

BV: That guy is such a tool.

MK: Saito now, hits Ron from behind and knocks him over the top rope!

RON DONALDSON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

MK: Boheme runs over to Donaldson and starts kicking him on the floor!  Both men have been eliminated but Boheme wants this fight to continue!

BV: Yeah, there you go, Pierre, show that Antiguan who`s boss!

PB: Antiquarian!

MK: Boheme now, grabs Donaldson by the vest and tries to pull him to his feet.  Looks like bohem might have ripped some buttons off Donaldson`s vest in the process.

PB: What`s that weird look in his eye?

MK: LOOK OUT!  Ron Donaldson jump leapt to his feet and flew into Pierre Boheme!  Pounding him with big fists, right in the stomach!  He whips him into the barricade!  The crowd is on their feet!

BV: Uh, Pierre, maybe it’s time you connected with your French heritage and run away…

MK: Donaldson is a house of fire!  He scoops up the Frenchmen OH MY!!!  Huge bodyslam, right on the concrete floor!

PB: Boheme is out!  Donaldson is incensed!

MK: Okay, there’s still a battle royal going on inside the ring.  While the trainers see to Boheme on the floor, Stevenson squares off with Saito, while Pistol Pete locks up with Garbage Picker.  Takeda is still successfully managed to keep himself out of this bout.

PB: Coward!

BV: That’s smart wrestling!  Remember, the last two guys get something out of this match, so if Takeda and Saito hold on to the end, they’ll headline Hogtown Hostility together!

PB: Wait, what’s that?

MK: Queen Fat-Ema!  Ema is running down to ringside!  She slides into the ring!

BV: Is she in this match?

MK: Ema goes right after Takeda!  Pounding him down into the corner with kicks and stomps!

BV: Saito, do something!

MK: Takeda is begging his partner for help but Saito is just standing there!  I think he’s afraid to hit a woman!

BV: Well that woman’s not afraid to hit Takeda!  Refs, do something!

MK: Ema pulls Takeda to his feet and whips him into the ropes.  Follows up with a hard clothesline… TAKEDA GOES OVER THE TOP ROPE! Takeda is out!

BV: NO!!!!!!

YOSHI TAKEDA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

PB: Takeda got owned by a girl.

BV: This is not right!  This can’t be legal!

PB: Sorry, Bernardo, the rules say if you go over the top rope and both feet touch the floor, you are out of the match!

BV: This is a travesty!  This is not right!  Takeda should still be in there!

MK: What’s this?  Looks like Jason Salva is lowering himself back down closer to the ring.

PB: I guess as the ring clears of competitors he’s looking for his chance to jump back into the fray.

BV: Who cares about the stupid cricket? Takeda has been robbed!

MK: Look out!  Garbage Picker grabs Queen Fat-Ema and tosses her over the top rope!

QUEEN FAT-EMA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

BV: What difference does it make, she was never in the match in the first place!

MK: As Jason Salva hangs just a few feet out of reach above the ring, Picker, Pete, Saito and Stevenson jockey for position.

PB: This is still anyone’s match…

BV: It’s going to be Saito, though.

MK: Picker and Pistol Pete tie up… and Pete nails Picker with a low-blow!

BV: That was the fastest low-blow I’ve ever seen.

MK: Saito and Stevenson tied up in the corner.  Pete comes up behind Saito… ANOTHER LOW-BLOW!

PB: Holy crap, he’s fast with those.

BV: Like greased lightning.

MK: Stevenson looks at Pete and smiles.  I think he’s telling him that they should dump out Saito and Picker and claim the top two spots for themselves.  Pistol Pete seems to be considering it.

BV: Why not?  It’s a good deal.  That’s what Saito and Takeda were supposed to do.

MK: Stevenson puts out his hand to shake on it.  Pete thinking, wondering if he can trust him… AND PETE NAILS HIM WITH A LOW-BLOW!!

PB: Should have seen that coming.

MK: Pete stands alone!  All three of his opponents are down, clutching their, um, man parts.  He needs to capitalize here…

PB: Watch out for the spider…

MK: JASON SALVA KICKS PETE IN THE HEAD!! Suspended spinning heel kick, right to the side of the head!  Salva is still hanging from his climbing ropes, but Pete is reeling.  He staggers onto the ropes…

BV: Here comes Saito!

MK: Saito dumps Pete over the top rope!  Salva stunned him and Saito put him out of the match!

PISTOL PETE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

PB: Pete is pissed…

MK: Pistol Pete is incensed out here on the floor, cursing at Salva, still hanging just out of reach above the ring.  What’s he doing?

BV: Oh, this is going to be interesting…

MK: PETE HAS A LADDER!  Pistol Pete has pulled a ladder out from under the ring!  He’s setting it up right below Jason Salva!

BV: That’s it, Clint, you squish that son-of-a-bitch!

MK: Pete ascends the ladder!  Salva is kicking at him but Pete is holding his legs!  They’re in a precarious position here!  The action in the ring has stopped as everyone watches this dangerous situation unfold!

PB: They’re ten feet above the ring, Mike and fifteen feet above that concrete floor.  If they fall from there they could land on either side.  Hitting the mat would be bad, but hitting the floor, from that height?  That could end a career.

BV: I can’t watch.

MK: Pete and Salva, jockeying for position above the ladder.  Salva is still tied in, he’s trying to shove Pete off… oh no.

PB: I think Pete unlocked Jason Salva’s carabiner.

MK: Yes, he did!  Pete has unhooked Salva’s climbing harness!  Salva is balancing with one foot on the ladder.  Nothing stands between these men and the floor, and they’re punching at each other, trying to push the other down!  The ladder tips….

BV: HOLY SWEET PUSSYFACE!!!

PB: NO!!!!

MK: OH MY GOD!  The ladder fell!  Pete catches his arm on the top rope and bounces on the floor!  Salva straddles the top rope, crotching himself!

BV: Oh, that’s gotta hurt, even for a cricket.

MK: Salva is in agony!  Pete is clutching his shoulder, he may have dislocated it. Salva trying to get back into the ring…

BV: Bye, bye!

MK: Saito clotheslines Salva off the top rope!  Jason Salva hits the floor with a thud, and he is out of this match!

JASON SALVA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

MK: As trainers rush out to check on the condition of Pistol Pete and Jason Salva, we are left with just three men in this match.  Saito, Rod Stevenson and Garbage Picker.

PB: The three are just recovering from Pete’s low blows, they’re taking a moment to scope out the situation.

BV: I still like Saito in this.  Even if the other two team up, they may not be able to put him out of the ring!

MK: Saito acts first!  Charges at Garbage Picker, but the smaller man jumps out of the way!  The sumo wrestler crashes into the turnbuckle!

BV: Get up, Saito!

MK: Stevenson grabs Picker and nails him with an elbow to the back of the head.  Whips him around and nails a kick to the stomach!

BV: He’s setting him up for something!

MK: Standing headscissors applied…

PB: This looks like his piledriver, Mike!  Stevenson used this to put Cam Gordy away last week!  If he hits it, it’s all over for Garbage Picker!

MK: Stevenson goes for the pile- NO!  Picker grabs his leg and blocks it!  Picker now, standing up, showing huge strength… BACKDROP!  He just dropped Stevenson over the top rope!

PB: What an impressive counter!

BV: Wait a minute, he didn’t touch the floor!

MK: Picker has no time to celebrate as Saito comes up and grabs him from behind!  Huge hide slam!  Garbage Picker hits the mat like a ton of bricks!

PB: You mean a ton of bricks landed on him.

BV: Stevenson didn’t touch the floor!  Why aren’t you paying attention?  He caught the top rope, and rolled back into the ring!

PB: He’s out on the floor now.

BV: He rolled back out under the bottom rope! The ref saw it and said he’s safe.  He’s still in this.

MK: I don’t think Picker and Saito realize it, either!  They think they’re the last two in this match, and Saito is currently dominating the sanitation worker.  He’s just slapping the taste out of his mouth in the corner.

PB: Picker is nearly out of it.  He’s seeing stars and at Saito’s mercy.

MK: Saito now, backing Garbage Picker up against the ropes.  This could be it.  Saito charges the ropes and PICKER LOW BRIDGES HIM!

BV: NO!!

MK: Picker ducked and pulled down the ropes, and Saito went tumbling right out onto the floor!

MASA SAITO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

PB: What an impact!  Four hundred pounds of flesh and bone, right out onto that unforgiving concrete floor.

MK: Garbage Picker raises his hand in victory!  He thinks he’s won the title!

PB: Look behind you!

[*CLANG*]

MK: MY GOD! MY GOD!  Rod Stevenson just clocked Garbage Picker with the ring bell!

BV: That’s what you get for turning your back, you moron!

MK: Stevenson snuck around the outside of the ring and grabbed the timekeeper’s bell!  He just used it as a weapon to take Picker out of this match!

PB: That is a steel bell, Mike, brought down with massive force upon a human skull. According to the strict rules of the match, that’s not illegal, though very much outside of the spirit of the thing.  Picker is busted open, look he’s bleeding all over the mat.

MK: The Biker doesn’t care!  He’s laughing!  He picks Garbage Picker up and tosses him out of the ring like yesterday’s trash!

GARBAGE PICKER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

MK: Fred Bueller is in the ring now to present Rod Stevenson with the CLAW Heavyweight Title.

PB: Don’t get too smug, Stevenson, don’t forget you have to defend that title against Garbage Picker in two weeks.

Fred Bueller:  Here is your winner, and NEW C.L.A.W. Heavyweight Champion, ROD “THE BIKER” STEEEEEEEEEVENSOOOOOOOON!!!! [Crowd boos*****]

MK: The crowd does not like how this one ended, but one way or another we have our first champion, AND the main event for our first pay-per-view, HOGTOWN HOSTILITY in just two weeks!

BV: Who cares what the crowd thinks?  Rod Stevenson just went through ten men and one… lady… to become the first even CLAW Champion.  He deserves it, whether those morons like it or not.  I think he’s going to keep that title for a long time.

MK: Maybe Bernie, maybe not, but we are out of time!  Join us next week for Tuesday Night Fights, where I am sure there is going to be fall-out from the Battle Royal!  Good night!

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Comments
  1. Dr. Claw says:

    LISTEN UP!

    As a result of tonight’s matches, I have a few announcements to make.

    ONE: Rod Stevenson will defend his title in two weeks against Garbage Picker at Hogtown Hostility!

    TWO: To make sure my cash cows make it to Toronto in one piece, next week they’re going to have to watch each other’s backs. On Tuesday Night Fights in seven days, Stevenson and Picker will team together against Saito and Takeda! If Stevenson and Picker lose, or there is any other funny business, Picker loses his title shot and Stevenson will be stripped of the title.

    THREE: Since Jason Salva and Pistol Pete like playing with ladders so much, at Hogtown Hostility they will compete one-on-one in a LADDER MATCH. And to make it interesting, I’m going to hang the LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE above the ring, and the first man who grabs it is the champ!

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