Tonight, live on Pay-per-View, from Toronto, Ontario, CLAW presents HOGTOWN HOSTILITY!!!

[Eminem and Pink’s “Won’t Back Down” plays as a preview video of Hogtown Hostility airs. Shots of the events leading up to the matches. Stevenson winning the battle royal. Jason Salva and Pistol Pete falling from the ladder. Ema blasting Cindy with a chair. Stevenson nailing Garbage Picker from behind with the ringbell. Saito dominating in the battle royal. Finally a shot of Stevenson and Garbage Picker, staring each other down in the ring as the shot fades to black.]

[Cut to a live shot of the arena, with two announce tables at ringside.]

Mike Kravinchik: Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome back to Hogtown Hostility! Tonight’s we’re coming to you live from the Ricoh Colliseum at Exhibition Place in Toronto, for the first ever C.L.A.W. pay-per-view! What a historic night this is going to be! I’m Mike Kravinchik, your play-by-play announcer for tonight’s card. Joing me is former women’s champion, the lovely Miss Paula Brown, as well as my longtime broadcast partner, Bernardo Verezzi.

[Kravinchik is a slim, white-haired man in his 50s dressed in a snazzy tuxedo. Verezzi is of similar age but heavyset, tanned, with greasy hair and thick chest hair mixed with too many gold chains. Brown is a tatooed, athletic woman in her mid-thirties with short blonde hair. She’s wearing a black evening dress.]

Paula Brown: Thank you, Michael, you can feel the excitement in the air tonight! These fans know they’re about to see something very special!

Bernardo Verezzi: This crowd is tighter than my second wife’s knees!

MK: Tonight, we will see Heavyweight Champion Rod Stevenson defend his title for the first time against Garbage Picker! We will also see the first Light Heavyweight Champion crowned when Jason Salva takes on Pistol Pete in a ladder match!

PB: And don’t forget a no-holds barred match between Cindy and Fat Ema! And Ron Donaldson squares off against Yoshi Takeda!

MK: It’s certainly a stacked card for tonight’s event. Not only do we have a full house here at Ricoh Coliseum, but we also have fans tuning in across the country on pay-per-view, and around the world over the internet. For the first time, we’re also offering a simul-cast in French for our viewers in Quebec.

BV: Is that what those guys are doing over there?

MK: Yes-sir. That’s Jacques Bucheron and Jean Petrin at the other announce table. Welcome, Jacques and Jean!

[Cut to the other announce table, where two men with thick bears men are dressed in black suits, smiling and waving at the camera. Jacques is wearing a toque.]

BV: Really? We have fans in Quebec?

PB: Actually, Quebec has some rabid werstling fans, Bernardo. Montreal is a huge wrestling city.

MK: We also have another edition to our broadcast team. Live in the back, we have Stefanie Stepanek, who will be attempting to get live words from our competitors before and after their matches. Hi, Stefani!

[Cut to the back, where an attractive blonde is standing near some road cases, dressed in a shimmering silver gown and holding a microphone.]

Stefanie Stepanek: Thanks, Mike! It’s great to be here! There’s quite a buzz backstage as the wrestlers are preparing for their matches! I’m going to try and get a word now with Queen Fat-Ema as she heads down to the ring. Excuse me, Ema! Ema!

[Ema storms into the frame and pushes Stefanie out of her way, slamming her against the road cases. She keeps stomping on.]

SS: Okay. Maybe I’ll try to get her after the match. Back to you?

PB: That was a waste of time.

BV: It’s never a waste of time to show a girl like with with such a great… microphone.

MK: Let’s just head to the ring.

OPENER: CINDY THE PSYCHO CHEERLEADER vs QUEEN FAT-EMA

[“She’s A Lady” by Tom Jones begins to play. Four large, oiled bodybuilders come down the aisle carrying Queen Fat-Ema on a throne. She’s eating a bucket of chicken. Crowd boos]

BV: This woman frightens me.

MK: Ema certainly has made an impact since arriving in CLAW, most of it in the side of Cindy’s skull.

PB: It’s true Mike. Since she arrived, Ema has seemed more interested in just physically abusing Cindy than in winning any wrestling matches.

[Pink’s “Stupid Girls” begins to play. Cindy comes down to the ring, alternating between screaming at the fans and begging to know why they don’t like her. She stops in the middle of the aisle to do a cheer routine. “I’m number one! I’m number one!” Crowd cheers***]

MK: Speaking of Cindy, here comes the cheerleader now. She pinned Ema last week in a tag-team match, but none of that matters tonight.

BV: It’s no-diqualifications tonigh! Ema can do whatever she wants to her!

PB: The advantage will certainly be in Ema’s corner if she continues with the kind of ruthless aggression she’s be showing so far.

MK: Both ladies are in the ring, and Ema immediately charges Cindy! Fat-Ema jumps Cindy before the bell, pulling her by the hair and dragging her across the ring! [*DING, DING, DING*] She tosses the cheerleader out of the ring to the floor!

PB: Remember, there are no disqualifications or count-outs in this match! They can do whatever they want out there!

MK: Ema grinding Cindy’s face on the ring apron! Takes her to the floor with a snapmare! And now she drops a big knee, right on the cheerleader’s forehead! Crunches Cindy’s head between he big leg and the concrete floor!

BV: She’s manhandling Cindy out there! Or, well, woman-handling her. Or troll-handling her.

MK: Ema goes under the ring, looking for plunder. She has a folding steel chair! This is what got Ema disqualified in her first match, but it’s all perfectly legal here tonight!

PB: Look out, Cindy!

MK: Ema winds up… but Cindy stops her with a kick to the midsection! Ties her up… INVERTED RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP! Right on the chair! Ema’s face bounces off the steel chair with a sickening thud!

BV: Ah! I don’t think her nose has healed since the last match!

PB: This isn’t a “Falls count anywhere” match so Cindy is going to have to get Ema back into the ring for a pinfall.

MK: Looks like she’s not done with the punishment yet! Cindy heads under the ring now, and pulls out a big metal trash can. She dumps it out on the floor… it’s full of more weapons and plunder!

BV: Did Garbage Picker leave that there??

MK: Cindy pulls a kendo stick out of the pile! Singapore cane! She goes after Ema. [*CRACK*] OH MY GOD! Vicious strike across her back. [*CRACK*] And another one! [*CRACK* *CRACK*]

PB: Ema’s back is going to look like a delinquant schoolboy’s backside!

MK: Cindy just won’t let! Ema is screaming in pain but she gets up and wrestles the kendo stick from Cindy! She drives it point first, hard into the cheerleader’s midsection!

PB: Oh, that’s nasty Mike! She drove the hard wooden point right up under her ribs! That could damage an internal organ!

MK: Ema grabs the trash can and SLAMS IT DOWN OVER CINDY’S HEAD! The cheerleader’s head and arms are stuck inside the trash can!

BV: I love it!

MK: Queen Fat-Ema grabs the helpless cheerleader and whips her into the security barrier! Cindy lands with a crash! Emma is once again back in control, and she goes to the pile now for… what is that?

PB: I think it’s a sock with a potato in it? Or maybe an orange?

MK: Whatever it is, Ema is using it to wail on the garbage can with Cindy’s head still inside!

PB: That’s gotta be disorienting!

MK: Now she’s pelting Cindy’s bare legs with the sock!

BV: Well, at least if it is an orange it won’t leave any marks!

PB: How do you know that, Bernardo?

MK: Ema drags Cindy of the can, and continues the assault with knees and stomps to the head! Cindy looks to be… yes she is! She’s busted open!

PB: There’s blood all over the floor.

MK: Ema pulls Cindy up and rolls her back into the ring. Now she throws in the chair, too.

BV: Is she trying to finish the match or cripple Cindy?

PB: Cindy is bleeding bad, Mike, I think she must have cut herself on the garbage can.

MK: That doesn’t seem to bother Ema! She goes into the ring and unfolds the chair right in the middle of the mat. She picks up Cindy… [*BANG*] BACKBREAKER! Right onto the chair!

BV: Oh, that’s gotta be it!

mk: Ema goes for the cover…

one…

Two… kick out!

BV: What?

MK: Cindy is not out of this yet! She’s trying to get up as Ema folds up the chair and drops it back to the mat. Oh, no… she’s setting up the cheerleader…

PB: Looks like she’s going for a DDT, or maybe the brain buster on the chair!

MK: Ema tries to lift Cindy, but the cheerleader grabs her leg to block it! Knee to the stomach of Ema, Cindy picks up the chair… [*CLANG*] CHAIRSHOT! Right to the top of the head!

BV: Look at her face!

MK: Cindy is wearing the crimson mask and trying to wipe the blood from her eyes as Ema tries to find the senses that just got knocked from her head! Cindy goes for the cover…

One….

Tw-shoulder up!

PB: A lot of fight still left in Queen Fat-Ema!

MK: Cindy rolls out of the ring, going back to the plunder out on the floor. She’s pulling out… A STAPLE GUN??

PB: Oh, no way.

MK: OH MY GOD! She’s going to staple Ema’s head! This is just sick! She grabs the Queen by the hair, pulling to her to the middle of the ring, but Ema kicks her in the head to get out of it!

BV: That was close!

MK: Ema with a headlock… swinging neckbreaker! Cindy is down… and now EMA HAS THE STAPLE GUN!!!

PB: Oh, no, no, no!

MK: Cindy is out of it… Ema grabs her by the hair… [*KA-CHUNK*] OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD! SHE JUST STAPLED HER IN THE HEAD!

BV: Sweet mother of god…

MK: This is disturbing! These women are insane! [*KA-CHUNK*] SHE DID IT AGAIN!

PB: That’s a steel staple, driven right into her scalp! Look at her face!

MK: That certainly woke her up, though! Cindy fights to her feet, fighting for the staple gun… she grabs it and nails Ema in the face!

BV: The crowd is really digging these two ladies wailing on each other…

MK: Cindy back into control with a crazy look in her eyes! She hooks Ema up, looks like a vertical suplex… NO! She dumps Queen Ema over the top rope, hanging across her midsection!

PB: That’s painful Mike, with those steel cables digging in across you abs.

MK: With her opponent indisposed, Cindy slides out of the ring once again. She picks up a small bag.

BV: What’s in it?

MK: Back in the ring, Ema slides off the ropes and Cindy dumps out the bag… IT’S FULL OF THUMBTACKS!!!

PB: Oh, hell no. Seriously???

MK: The mat is covered with hundreds of thumbtacks, and Cindy is laughing maniacally! She pulls Ema toward the tacks… but Ema kicks her! Big right hands! Ema saw the tacks and she’s fighting back! Queen Fat-Ema now, sets up the cheerleader! Looks like she’s going for a piledriver or a powerbomb….

BV: I don’t know if I can watch this….

MK: Ema now… NO! Cindy blocks it! Ema can’t get her up! Now Cindy stands up! BACKDROP! BACKDROP INTO THE TACKS!!

BV: HOLY SWEET PUSSYFACE!!!

MK: Ema screaming and writing in pain! She just landed back-first on those thumbacks! Her back is piered by dozens of tiny metal pins! Just thrashing around in the tacks! This is just disturbing…

PB: Both of these ladies are seriously messed in the head.

MK: Cindy rolls up the Queen! This could be it!

One!

Two!

Three!!! It’s over! [*DING, DING, DING*]

PB: Thank god!

BV: Holy… look at my hands, my hands are shaking. Can we be sued for showing stuff like this?

MK: After an incredible match, Cindy stands victorious, her face covered in blood! Ema is still writhing on the mat in agony.

Fred Bueller: Here is your winner, CINDY THE PSYCHO CHEERLEADERRRRRR!!! [Crowd cheers ***]

PB: That was unbelievable, Mike. I haven’t seen a match that brutal in a long, long time.

MK: Both ladies literally put life and limb on the line tonight, but it was Cindy who emerges as the winner.

PB: It was close. For awhile there I thought it could have went either way.

BV: How are we possibly going to top that? Can this night get any more crazy or insane?

MK: I don’t know Bernie – the women have certainly set the bar high!

PB: Don’t forget, we still have a LADDER match for the Light Heavyweight Title, as well as Garbage Picker and Rod Stevenson facing off for the Heavyweight Title.

MK: Speaking of Garbage Picker, looks like we’ve got the #1 contender backstage for an interview. Take it away Stephanie!

[Backstage, Stephanie Stepanek is standing next to a dumpster, where a man in dirty coveralls is dumping out a bin of trash.]

SS: Hi, Garbage Picker! Any thoughts on your match tonight with Rod Stevenson?

Man: Whaddya call me?

SS: …You’re not Garbage Picker, are you?

Man: Stop calling me that! I’m a sanitation professional, dammit!

SS: Sorry, Mike, I got the wrong guy. Back to you?

[Cut back to the announcers at ringside. At the French announce table, Jacques and Jean are laughing their heads off.]

PB: Where did you get this chick? She doesn’t even know what Mr. Picker looks like!

MK: Paula, now’s not the time. She does have broadcast experience, let’s leave it at that.

BV: And she has great legs…

MK: ANYWAY… the ring has been cleared and most of the blood has been wiped up, so let’s head down for our next match!

SECOND: RON “THE ANTIQUARIAN” DONALDSON vs TAKEDA (w/SAITO)

[A rousing rendition of “Claire de Lune” begins to play. The Antiquarian enters riding a penny-farthing bicycle. After he locks the bike to the railing, he runs down the aisle distributing flyers for his unsuccessful antiques store to eager fans. Crowd cheers*]

BV: Oh, right, here comes the moron with the bicycyle.

PB: Say what you will about Donaldson, he was impressive in the ring last week. He totally dominated Pierre Boheme, and showed off some excellent skills and instincts in the ring.

BV: I don’t care if he’s Frank Gotch, I can’t take a guy in a sweater vest seriously.

[“World is Mine” by Hatsune Miku begins to play as the areana goes dark. Flashing green and blue lasers strobe through the arena and Takeda and Saito step slowly out onto the stage. As the music picks up they run to the ring, then pose on the turnbuckles and taunt the crowd. Crowd boos***]

MK: Those are two very unhappy individuals.

BV: Why shouldn’t they be unhappy? First they were robbed in the Battle Royal, then they took Picker and Stevenson to the limit last week, and still neither of them are involved in the title match later tonight!

PB: Neither of them were “robbed” in the Battle Royal, Bernardo. And they didn’t actually beat either man – it was a double-countout.

BV: I still think they have every right to be pissed. I would hate to be Mr. Sweater Boy tonight!

MK: On that, I have to agree with you, Bernie. With Saito in Takeda’s corner, Donaldson will basically be wrestling a handicap match against both men. Let’s head to the ring for introductions.

Fred Bueller: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a twenty minute time limit. Introducing first, on my right, wearing a sweater vest, from Penetanguishene, Ontario and weighing in at 260 pounds, he is RON “THE ANTIQUARIAN” DONALDSOOOOOONN!! [Crowd cheers **]

BV: Seriously, where is he from? That’s a made up place, right? Like Narnia, or Albequrque, right?

PB: Penetanguishene is just a few hours north of Toronto, Bernardo.

BV: Right. And next you’re going to tell me that Winston Churchill was a real person, too.

MK: Don’t look at me, Paula. I just commentate on wrestling matches with him.

Fred Bueller: His opponent, accompanied by his tag team partner Saito, wearing black trimmed with blue, from Tokyo, Japan and weighing in at 190 pounds, he is YOSHI TAKEEEEEEDA!!! [Crowd boos ***]

MK: Looks like Takeda and Saito are talking strategy before the match. What do you think they’re saying?

PB: I think Saito is telling Takeda not to touch the sweater vest.

BV: What? You’re not serious.

PB: I don’t know, Bernardo, it might be a good strategy. It seems that any other time anyone has ripped or damaged Ron Donaldson’s vest, it really set the Antiquarian off.

MK: Well, we’ll see if that strategy pulls off. Referee Johnny Green is trying to get the competitors to shake hands. Ron extends his hand with a friendly smile, but Takeda refuses to shake. Boos from the crowd for that.

[*DING, DING, DING*]

MK: There’s the bell and Takeda takes it right to Donaldson wtih punches to the gut. Those look a little low…

BV: They’re above the belt, Mike!

MK: Takeda whips Donaldson into the ropes… Japanese armdrag! Donaldson gets back to his feet and… applaudes his opponent?

PB: Well, that was a perfectly executed armdrag.

MK: Takeda with an elbow to the face and another Irish whip into the ropes… and takes him down with another Japanese armdrag! Donaldson to his knees and… applaudes again!??!

PB: Okay, that’s being a little TOO gentlemanly.

MK: Takeda seems a little taken aback, but he lays the boots to Ron Donaldson! Kick to the head! And the legs! Looks like he is trying to avoid the vest. Saito is cheering him on from the corner. Takeda jumps onto the ropes… sprinboard moonsault! BUT NOBODY’S HOME! Donaldson rolled out of the way!

PB: Takeda slams face-first into the mat. He took a risk and it didn’t pay off. What’s Donaldson doing?

MK: Ron Donaldson goes over to Takeda… he seems to be asking him if he’s okay.

BV: Oh my god, this is ridiculous.

MK: Ron gently helps Takeda to his feet, and Takeda nails him with a low blow! I don’t think the ref saw it!

BV: He was probably too busy hanging his head in shame at being part of this match.

MK: Donaldson goes down, and Takeda rolls him up…

One…

Two… kick out!

PB: Now Ron is exchanging some curt words with Takeda. I guess he’s upset about that low blow.

BV: Upset? You could have fooled me. I’ve seen nuns get more upset than this guy.

MK: Takeda tags Ron with an ensugiri to the head! Did you hear the impact? Donaldson down again, and he rolls outside for a breather… right in front of Saito!

PB: Oh, that’s not a good idea.

MK: Saito grabs Ron and CRUSHES him with a huge headbutt! Where’s the referee?

PB: Takeda has him distracted!

BV: Takeda seems to have hurt his leg, kicking Donaldson’s fat head. Green is just making sure he’s okay.

PB: Shouldn’t he be checking on the guy that being pummeled out on the floor?

MK: Donaldson seems to be screaming “That’s not fair!” as Saito scoops him up and slams him on the floor! My god, what a devastating move! Now he picks him up again, as Takeda suddenly seems to be able to use his leg fine.

BV: I guess it was just a scare.

MK: Takeda runs across the ring… SUICIDE DIVE! Saito held Donaldson while Takeda leapt right through the ropes and collided with the Antiquarian! All three men are down on the floor, and… oh, oh…

PB: What’s that in Saito’s hand?

BV: Pin him, quick!

MK: Saito seems to have ripped Donaldson’s sweater! I don’t think Donaldson’s noticed yet, but his sweater got ripped when he fell to the floor!

BV: Get him back in the ring! Cover him!

MK: I think Saito is trying to tell his partner the same thing, but Takeda is too busy celebrating. He’s showboating for the crowd as Donaldson gets to his feet… I think he’s noticed the sweater!

BV: Look out, Takeda!

MK: Donaldson on his feet! You can almost see the steam coming out of his ears!

PB: He’s as red as as beet!

BV: He’s straining so hard it looks like he’s trying to take a dump!

MK: Ron Donaldson clocks Takeda from behind, driving him face first into the ring post! What an impact! Now he turns around…

BV: He’s not going to attack Saito…

MK: Flying elbow! Right to the jaw of Masa Saito! The big man staggers but doesn’t go down!

BV: Oh, he’s in trouble now.

MK: Donaldson on a rampage! He head’s over to the French announce table… and he stole Jacques’ chair! Jacques is cursing at him in French but Donaldson doesn’t seem to care.

BV: Maybe he doesn’t speak French?

PB: Don’t do it, Ron!

MK: Donaldson winds up… [*CRANG*] Chair shot, right to the head of Masa Saito! He’s not done! [*CRANG*] There’s another one, right to the melon of Yoshi Takeda!

[*DING, DING, DING*]

MK: There’s the bell! The ref has thrown out this match, and Yoshi’s going to take the win by DQ.

PB: I don’t think he feels like much of a winner, Mike.

BV: Somebody stopped that guy! He’s going to hurt somebody!

Fred Bueller: Here is your winner as a result of a disqualification, YOSHI TAKEDA!!!

MK: Alright, as the referee tries to get some order here, let’s head to the back, where Stefanie Stepanek is about to get a few words from the Heavyweight Champion.

[Somewhere in the arena, Stefanie is standing just outside the lounge area. A group of rowdy bikers are inside, drinking and cheering and making a scene. A waitress squeals in fright.]

SS: I’m not going in there.

MK: Stefanie, it’s your job. You need to actually interview people.

SS: Forget it. They’ll eat me alive.

PB: What an idiot.

[Camera cuts back to the ringside announce table. Mike is shaking his head while Bernardo and Paula are stifling laughter.]

MK: Okay. Officials have dragged Ron Donaldson, kicking and screaming from the arena. I think we’re just about ready for our LADDER MATCH for the LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!

SEMI-FINAL: JASON SALVA vs PISTOL PETE

[“Il Buono, Il Cattivo, Il Brutto” begins to play as a man walks slowly down to the ring with duster and hat pulled low. He looks around at people. He catches the gaze of a small boy with a “Jason the Spider” sign and holds his stare until the boy starts crying. Once in the ring pulls out his six shooter and fires at the four corners in rapid succesion. Crowd boos.]

MK: The championship belt has been hung above the ring, and the ladders are waiting in the aisle. Here comes our first competitor, the mysterious Pistol Pete.

PB: Pete has the fastest hands in the West, but so far he’s been unable to capitalize on his abilities. Let’s see if he can turn his fortunes around tonight.

BV: What do you know about how fast his hands are?

[The Spider-Man themesong begins to play. A man in a black skin-tight superhero costume rappels upside down from the rafters to land in the middle of the ring. Crowd cheers***]

PB: Jason Salva has developed quite a following in CLAW. Fans love his flashy, high risk offence.

BV: I just think he’s friggin’ creepy.

MK: Salva had an innovate idea to try and win the battle royal two weeks ago by staying out of the ring using his climbing ropes, but Pistol Pete ruined that plan with a ladder. Now that ladder will come into play again.

Fred Bueller: The following contest is a ladder match for the C.L.A.W. Light Heavyweight Title. The championship belt is suspended above the ring. The first man to climb a ladder and retrieve the belt will become the new champion. Introducing first, on my right, dressed in black and hailing from parts unknown. Weighing in at 170 pounds, he is PISTOL PEEEEEEEETE!!! [Crowd boos]

Fred Bueller: His opponent, wearing black trimmed with gold, from Aurora, Ontario, weighing in at 160 pounds, he is JASON “THE SPIDER” SALVAAAAAAA!!! [Crowd cheers***]

MK: Both men are in the ring, Salva has removed his climbing gear… [*DING, DING, DING*]

MK: There’s the bell and both men slide out of the ring, heading for the ladders!

PB: Remember there are no count-outs or disqualifications. Pretty much anything goes, and the only way to win is to climb up and grab the belt hanging above the ring.

MK: There are two ladders laying in the aisle, and each man goes for one. But Pete turns and goes after Salva, grabbing him from behind and bouncing his face off the security barricade! Then he whips him into the other ladder!

BV: That’s it, finish him quick, Pete!

MK: Pistol Pete grabs the other ladder and goes to slide it into the ring. He only gets it about halfway in before Salva recovers and hits him from behind. Pete turns… Salva with a flying headscissors takedown!

PB: Salva just leapt right on the gunslinger’s shoulders and drove his head into the floor!

MK: The Spider looks to do some more damage before he attempts the ladder again. He leaves it resting, propped at a 45 degree angle against the ring apron. Pete back up and Salva whips him into the security barricade!

PB: Did you see the way Pete’s back collided with the steel?

BV: I saw the way that fan just spilled his drink all over Pete!

MK: Salva follows in and nails Pete with a monkey flip, dropping him once again on that unrelenting concrete floor!

PB: The Spider needs to incapacitate his opponent to give him a clear path to that title belt!

MK: He’s certainly trying, as once again he drags Pete to his feet and leaps onto his shoulders… he’s going for another headscissors… NO!! [*CRUNCH*}

PB: Pete reverses into a powerbomb… ON THE LADDER!!!

BV: Squish goes the spider!

MK: What devastation! What carnage! Salva just bounced off that unrelenting steel as Pete slammed him back-first against the ladder. Salva is down, but Pete is still hurting too.

PB: That was a desperation move from the gunslinger. He needs to catch his breath and take advantage.

MK: That’s just what he does as Pete rolls Salva off the ladder, and pushes the ladder the rest of the way into the ring. Pete slides in after it… and he’s setting up the ladder!

PB: Salva is having trouble getting to his feet on the floor! Pete could take it all here.

BV: Good! That freaky little bug guy doesn’t deserve to wear the champsionship!

MK: Pete has the ladder erected in the middle of the ring, but Salva has recovered and climbed onto the ring apron. Pete goes over and stuns him with a hard right hand and a knee to the midsection. Pete now, hooks him up. Looks like he’s going for a suplex…

BV: This guy knows like a thousand suplexes.

MK: Pete tries, but it’s blocked! Salva holds onto the ropes! Again, Pete trying to suplex Salva but the Spider keeps holding on. Salva now counters… lifts up Pistol Pete… and drop him crotch first on the top rope!

BV: That is uncalled for!

MK: Pete is hurting and in a dangerous place! He’s still straddling the top rope as the Spider quickly climbs the turnbuckle… missile dropkick!

BV: Pete, no!

MK: Jason Salva lands a huge dropkick right to the face of Pistol Pete, and the gunslinger flops back into the ring! Salva back on his feet! He points to the belt! He’s going for it!

PB: The crowd is behind him, and Pete was so nice to get the ladder ready.

MK: Salva is heading up the ladder! He’s just a few steps away from grabbing the title…

BV: Here comes Pistol Pete!

MK: Pistol Pete pushes the ladder… it teeters… OH MY GOD!

PB: Look out!

MK: Pete pushes over the ladder and Salva falls right out of the ring onto the floor here in front of us! I think he’s hurt…

PB: Of course he’s hurt, he just fell, what, ten, fifteen feet to the floor? He’s holding his arm, I think he smashed his elbow when he hit.

BV: He look out, watch my drink!

MK: Salva is pulling himself to his feet using our announce table. Meanwhile Pete is in the ring, setting the ladder back up. He’s climbing!

PB: There is no quit in either of these men!

MK: Salva climbs back up onto the ring apron as Pete is just a few feet away from grabbing the belt. Salva dives… SPRING BOARD PLANCHA!!! He slams into Pete and takes him right off the ladder to the mat!

PB: What an incredible move! Salva is still grabbing his arm, his elbow is definitely bothering him, but he still had the balance and the strength to leap halfway across the ring and take Pete off the ladder!

BV: Yeah, but look what it took out of him! How is the Spider going to finish this match?

MK: I don’t know, Bernie! Both men have already taken a tremendous beating, and now both men are down in the ring. The ladder fell over is laying half-propped up on the ring ropes. Pete rolls out of the ring…

PB: He can’t win the match out there.

BV: He’s just taking a breather.

MK: Actually it looks like he’s searching for something under the ring. He has a chair!

BV: Did someone put it back after the women’s match? Why won’t the ring crew learn?

MK: Pistol Pete has a chair, and he’s heading back to the ring to try and take out his opponent. But here comes Salva… SUICIDE DIVE!! Salva dives through the ropes and drives the chair right into Pete’s face!

BV: Yeah, Salva’s moves might be exciting and flashy, but he’s going to kill himself out there before he wins this match!

MK: Pete is out of it! He’s trying to get up but he must be hurting. And he’s bleeding! Blood is pouring down the face of Pistol Pete!

PB: He might have a concussion, he’s definitely going to need stitches…

MK: Salva’s going to get the other ladder! He’s struggling to lift it, with his injured arm, but he gets it up just as Pete makes it back to his feet. Salva holds it horizontal and RAMS into Pete, pinning up up against the side of the ring!

BV: Pete, get out of there!

MK: Pistol Pete is left holding the ladder as Jason Salva backs up… DROPKICK! Salva dropkicks the ladder and sandwiches Pete between the steel and the edge of the ring apron!

PB: Pete collapses at the foot of the ring. He’s a wreck, I don’t know if he can continue this…

BV: Jason Salva is a violent lunatic, he shouldn’t be allowed to wrestle with sane people!

MK: Salva now, pushing the second ladder into the ring.

BV: There’s already one in there! See, he’s an idiot!

MK: Salva moving slowly, all those high-impact moves have really taken their toll. He’s erecting the second ladder, the first one is still propped up against the ropes on the other side of the ring. Salva starts to climb!

PB: His ladder is off-centre in the ring – he might not be thinking clearly after all those falls. I don’t know if he’s going to be able to reach the belt from there.

BV: Pete is back on his feet! You can’t keep a gunslinger down!

MK: Salva climbs to the top of the ladder. You’re right, Paula, he can’t reach the belt! Pistol Pete is on the ring apron, and he has a chair. Salva sees him… oh, no, he’s not, he’s OH MY GOD! [*CLANG*] Salva dove at Pete with a flying kick, and Pete smacked him right out of mid-air with the chair!

BV: Just like swatting a fly.

PB: That was incredible! What perfect timing on the part of Pistol Pete to pull that off.

MK: Pete is back in the match! His face is a mask of blood, but he pulls Salva up by the hair… EXPLODER SUPLEX!

BV: He just suplexed him right out of his boots!

MK: Pete goes for the ladder, but Salva is holding onto his ankle. Pete now with stomps, grinding the Spider’s hand and head into the mat!

PB: He’s being absolutely vicious, but he has to put Salva down long enough to climb the ladder!

MK: Pete goes for the ladder again, and Salva once again grabs his leg to pull him off! Pete turns and clobbers Salva with a clothesline. He starts to climb again, the Spider pops back up and grabs him in a waistlock… belly-to-back suplex off the ladder!

PB: There’s just no quit in the Spider! He’s reaching down for more gas from somewhere!

MK: Both men now are down, slowly trying to get back to their feet. They’re giving it there all here tonight folks! Both want to impress the crowd, both want to take that title!

BV: There’s alot of prestige and money involved with holding a title, Mike. Not to mention the ladies, you can’t forget the ladies.

MK: Salva and Pete back up now! Each of them grabs a ladder to erect properly in the middle of the ring. Now both ladders are standing side by side, and both men are climbing to the top!

PB: It’s a race! This is where it gets extra dangerous, though, with both men hovering high above the ring!

MK: They reach the top at the same time! Both men grab at the belt but neither can get a handle on it! Pete now, with big right hands to the face of Jason Salva! Salva responds with a kick. And another… Pete falls to the mat!

PB: This looks like it could be it! Jason Salva has his hands on the Light Heavyweight Title!

MK: Pete is climbing back up! Jason is trying to unhook the clasp!

BV: Ah, I can’t watch!

MK: Pete kicks Salva! Big right hand to the face! The gunslinger pushes Salva off the ladder! Now Pete is all alone at the top!

BV: Pete’s got it! He’s won the title!

MK: Pistol Pete is fiddling with the belt, trying to get it down! Salva rushes back up the other ladder! He grabs Pete by the neck… SPIDER BITE! SPIDER BITE OFF THE LADDER!!!

BV: HOLY SWEET PUSSYFACE!!!

MK: Jason just wrenched Pete’s neck and dropped him fifteen feet head-first into the mat! Pete is out! The crowd is going crazy and Jason stands alone in the ring!

PB: He’s waving up at the rafters, looks like he’s calling for something?

MK: His climbing ropes are coming back down! Yes, the ropes Salva used for his entrance, the Spider is now using to tie up Pistol Pete’s feet!

BV: Where’d he learn to tie ropes like that? Is he a rodeo clown?

MK: Pete’s feet around bound up and now Salva is waving again… Pistol Pete is being lifted off the mat! The gunslinger is being suspended upside down above the ring!

PB: Just like a spider capturing a fly, Salva has Pete suspended in his Web of Death!

MK: Pete is coming around, and he discovers he’s helpless! He’s thrashing around in the ropes but there’s nowhere for him to go!

BV: Ah, that’s not fair! What if he’s afraid of heights?

MK: Jason has no further barriers or distractions! He climbs the ladder with authority! Jason Salva grabs the belt… HE HAS IT! JASON SALVA IS THE LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

[*DING, DING, DING*]

Fred Bueller: Here is your winner, and NEW CLAW Light Heavyweight Champion, JASON “THE SPIDER” SALVAAAAAAAA!!!! [Crowd cheers *****]

PB: What an incredible match! Both men gave it their all but Salva walks away with the victory and the championship! I don’t know if they’re going to be able to take another match like that!

MAIN EVENT: ROD STEVENSON vs GARBAGE PICKER

[“Bulls on Parade” begins to play as the sound of a dozen Harley engines roars through the arena. A gang of leather-clad bikers drive down the aisle to circle the ring.]

BV: The champ! The champ is here! And he brought his whole crew!

[Rod Stevenson dismounts and high-fives his entourage. He then enters the ring, posing on the turnbuckle with the CLAW Heavyweight Title. Crowd boos*****]

MK: What an entrance from the champion!

BV: It’s a bit over-the-top isn’t it? Especially from a guy who didn’t fairly earn that belt?

MK: Well, tonight is his first real test as champion. If he can defend his title against Garbage Picker, I don’t think there will be any more questions about whether or not he deserves that strap!

[Weird Al’s “Trash Day” begins to play as a garbage truck backs out into the entry way. A dozen sanitation workers jump off and out of the truck, heading toward the ring with trash bags. They grab drinks and signs from audience members as they go, tossing them into the bags.]

BV: Seriously? He drove a garbage truck to the arena?

MK: Well, Stevenson had to make an entrance, so I guess Garbage Picker couldn’t let the champ be the only one pulling out all the stops.

BV: No really. Does the city of Etobicoke know he has that thing? Isn’t that how he ended up in prison in the first place?

[Garbage Picker emmerges from the pack and enters the ring. He meets Stevenson and two engage in a staredown.]

BV: This is going to be big…

MK: You can feel the electricity in the air! These two men hate each other, and it’s all about to be put on the line here tonight! Referee Johnny Green is telling the entourages they need to clear away from ringside. As the bikers ride back up the ramp, let’s go to Fred Bueller for the introductions!

Fred Bueller: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is our MAIN EVENT, and is for the C.L.A.W. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP. Introducing first, on my right, wearing grey coveralls and weighing in at an even 200 pounds, from Etobicoke, Ontario, the challenger, GARBAGE PICKERRRRRRRRRR!!! [Crowd mixed ****]

PB: The crowd is still not sure whether or not to get behind Mr. Picker. Some love his ruthless style, others hate it. I guess it will all come down to how he handles himself in this match.

MK: And whether or not they hate Stevenson more!

Fred Bueller: His opponent, wearing black, weighing in at 260 pounds, from Hamilton, Ontario, he is reigning CLAW Heavyweight Champion, ROD “THE BIKER” STEVENSOOOOOOONN!!!! [Crowd boos *****]

PB: They certainly don’t like the Biker.

BV: All of these people are morons. He’s the champ! He deserves your respect!

PB: He doesn’t deserve our respect because of the way he won the championship! Stevenson is a coward and a bully, and Garbage Picker is going to put him in his place tonight.

MK: Tensions are certainly running high, both in the ring and throughout the arena! Johnny Green pats both men down for foreign objects, then he tries to get them to shake hands…

BV: That ain’t happening.

MK: Both men refuse to shake the other’s hand! These two despise each other, and there will be no respect shown here tonight!

BV: Ring the bell! Let them go at it!

MK: The referee backs both men into their corners [*DING, DING, DING*] And there’s the bell! We are underway with our main event for the CLAW Heavyweight Championship! Garbage Picker immediately goes for the takedown and Stevenson immediately counters with a big elbow to the back of the neck!

PB: The champ had that scouted. Mr. Picker likes to start off with a quick takedown and go immediately into a submission.

MK: Stevenson follows up with a big knee to the face, and then a knife-hand strike to the throat! He goes immediately for the cover…

One…

Kick-out!

PB: Way too early. Stevenson wanted to end this quickly, but it’s going to take alot more than that to put Mr. Picker down.

MK: Stevenson, still in control, stomps away at Picker’s head with those big boots! Now off the ropes, he goes for a legdrop! Picker catches his leg and rolls over into kneelock!

BV: What? How’d he do that?!

PB: An excellent counter by Garbage Picker! He is just so technically skilled, he can grab you and lock in a submission anytime, anywhere in the ring!

MK: Picker barely locked in that one though, before Stevenson grabs the ropes with those long arms! Referee tells Picker to let up, but he keep the lock cinched in!

PB: Mr. Picker is known for pushing his five counts, but he should really be careful here. This is the match of a lifetime, he can’t afford to get disqualified!

MK: Stevenson doesn’t wait for the count! He turns over and kicks Picker in the head with his free leg. The champ quickly rolls out the ring to the floor to regroup.

BV: That’s a good job, Rod, don’t let him frustrate you.

PB: Stevenson can take all the time he wants out there. If he gets counted-out he still keeps his title. For Garbage Picker to win the strap he has to pin Stevenson or force him to submit in the ring.

MK: Picker knows that too, and he reaches through the ropes to try and grab his opponent, but Stevenson grabs him by the head and pulls him throat-first across the middle rope! Picker’s in a world of hurt!

BV: Stevenson’s as slippery as a rattlesnake in a boot full of KY jelly. Picker better watch his back! Or his neck, in this case.

PB: The champ is really working over Garbage Picker’s head and neck. He may be softening him up for that big piledriver.

MK: Stevenson continues the assault on the head of Garbage Picker with a huge fistdrop, right between the eyes! Now Stevenson with a lateral press…

One…

Two… kickout!

PB: Did you see the way Stevenson ground his elbow into Mr. Picker’s face on that cover? He’s vicious and dirty in everything he does.

MK: Stevenson now, slips over into a rear chinlock, keeping pressure on the neck of his opponent. Picker trying to fight his way out… elbows to the ribs, and then he reverses into a wristlock!

PB: Stevenson is not going to out-wrestle Garbage Picker technically. He needs to rely on his strength and ability to cheat to pull this one off.

BV: How dare you accuse the champ of cheating?

PB: Are you saying that Stevenson isn’t above cheating to win?

BV: Of course not! He cheats like an account executive away on a sales conference! But I still don’t like that accusatory tone in your voice. It’s like you disapprove of winning.

MK: The champ manages to slip out of the wristlock, bounces off the ropes… Picker leapfrogs over Stevenson, then ducks a clothesline on the return… and Stevenson locks in a sleeper hold!

BV: What was that about the champ not being able to keep up with the dirty trash man?

MK: Stevenson has it locked in good, in the middle of the ring! But Picker backs him up into the corner… stomps to the instep! Picker is just wailing on Stevenson’s shins with his heel.

BV: Ach! Now who’s fighting dirty?

MK: Stevenson releases the hold, and Picker immediatley turns… HUGE monkey flip sends the champ halfway across the ring! Stevenson quickly back to his feet, and Garbage Picker takes him down again with a flying headscissors takeover!!!

PB: Mr. Picker, has the momentum, he has to keep the pressure on!

MK: Looks like the champ realizes that too! He makes a run for the ropes, but Picker grabs him from behind with a waistlock. They struggle… and Stevenson reverses into a waistlock of his own! Stevenson tries for a takedown but Picker blocks.

PB: This is some real, collegiate-style wrestling here. Never thought I’d see that from the biker.

MK: Picker now, reverses again! Slips in behind Stevenson. TRASH DAY!!! TRASH DAY!!!

BV: NO!

PB: Garbage Picker hits his suplex finisher out of nowhere!!!

MK: Picker dropped Stevenson on his head and rolls right into a bridging cover! This could be it, we could have a new champion!

One!!!

Two!!!

THre–KICKOUT!! Stevenson kicks out of the Trash Day!

BV: I almost had a heart attack there!

MK: Picker can’t believe it. Stevenson is groggy and he rolls to the outside for a breather.

PB: That must have been two and seven eights! Stevenson showed a lot of guts and strength, powering out of the pinfall!

MK: Picker slides right out after the champ! They’re slugging it out on the floor, right in here front of us! Exchanging punches! Stevenson goes for a whip into the security barrier, but Picker reverses… and the champ crashes into the barricade!!

PB: Johnny Green starts the ten-count, they have to be careful of getting counted out…

MK: Picker follows in with a running knee, right to the side of Rod Stevenson’s skull. He just crushed him against the steel barrier! He’s just wailing on him, smashing his head now against the railing!

BV: Why aren’t you complaining about Picker fighting dirty? You’re quick to bitch when Stevenson does it!

PB: Johnny Green goes out to the floor to break this up. I don’t think he wants to disqualify anyone in a match this important.

MK: Picker pulls Stevenson to his feet! Looks like he’s going to ram him into the ringpost… NO! The champ reverses and pushes Garbage Picker into the referee! Johnny Green just got sandwiched between Picker and the ringpost! The ref hits the floor! We have no referee!

BV: Here’s where it gets interesting…

MK: Picker turns back to Stevenson and gets tagged with a headbutt! Picker is reeling, and Stevenson PLANTS HIM WITH A DDT ON THE FLOOR!!!

PB: Oh my god, that could have seriously injured Garbage Picker! Someone needs to stop this!

MK: Picker’s head hit the floor with a hard thud, and he looks to be completely out of it. Stevenson could end the match here, but referee JOhnny Green is still out.

BV: I don’t think the champ is quite ready to end this yet! He’s got something else in mind to really put the trash man in his place.

MK: Oh, no. Stevenson heads over to the French announce table here beside us! He’s clearing it off, and Jean and Jacques jump out of the way!

PB: I don’t like where this is going!

MK: Stevenson drags Picker over the table and rolls him on! Stevenson climbs up after him. You don’t think… no, he wouldn’t try to piledrive him on the table, would he?

PB: Stevenson is a sick individual, Mike, I wouldn’t put anything past him.

MK: The champ now, pulls Picker to his feet! That seems to wake Picker up! He fights back with punches in the midsection. He knows what’s coming, he knows he needs to get out of there!

BV: It’s like a puppy barking at you after you kick it! Picker doesn’t know when he’s whipped!

MK: Both men on their feet, slugging it out on top of the table! This could go either way! They could end up falling on that concrete floor, or… STEVENSON WITH THE LOW BLOW! STEVENSON LOW BLOWS PICKER!

PB: The ref is still completely out of it.

MK: The champ has Garbage Picker completely at his mercy now. He sets him up, no, no, no… [*CRASH*] PILEDRIVER! PILEDRIVER ON THE THE TABLE!

BV: HOLY SWEET PUSSYFACE!!

MK: The table explodes in a shower of splinters and wood! Both men go down in a heap, but Picker definitely got the worst of that one.

PB: Mr. Picker’s head just twisted at a horrible angle when it collided with the wood! I hope he’s unconscious so he doesn’t feel what happened to him.

MK: This is just horrible. Picker could be seriously injured here, folks. Rod Stevenson is getting to his feet, and he looks like he’s laughing! This is just sick! He drags Picker’s limp carcass to the ring and rolls him back in.

PB: He shouldn’t be moving him! Garbage Picker could have a serious neck injury! Where are the trainers and officials?

BV: Crap, Green is still out! We need someone to count the pinfall!

MK: I think Stevenson realizes that, too! He goes over and slaps the ref, trying to wake him up! Johnny Green is stirring, but Picker is still unconcious in the ring!

PB: This is terrible…

MK: Rod Stevenson now, rolls back into the ring himself. He poses over the prone figure of Garbage Picker, gloating as the fans just shower him with boos. Now he’s dragging the poor man back to his feet. Oh, god, no. He can’t possibly…

PB: He’s going for another piledriver?? Is he trying to cripple Garbage Picker??

MK: Stevenson, has Picker set up in the middle of the ring…. PICKER TAKES HIM DOWN!!!

BV: What?

MK: PICKER! Double leg takedown out of nowhere, and he floats over… ARMBAR!! ARMBAR SUBMISSION LOCKED ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!

BV: How did he do that? I thought he was dead!

PB: Mr. Picker found some fight deep down somewhere…

MK: Picker has the armbar cinched in and there’s no where to go! Stevenson struggles… HE TAPS! ROD STEVENSON TAPS OUT!!!

BV: NO!!

[*DING, DING, DING*]

MK: Stevenson woke Johnny Green up just in time to see the tap-out! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!!!

PB: Stevenson can’t believe it! Garbage Picker is down in the ring, he doesn’t even have the strength to stand up!

Fred Bueller: Here is you winner and NEW CLAW Heavyweight Champion, GARBAGE PICKER!!!!!!! [Crowd cheers ******]

MK: The crowd is now firmly behind Picker! They are happy to see someone put Stevenson in his place.

BV: Stevenson isn’t happy! He grabbed the title belt…

PB: He’s not going to run off with it, is he?

MK: No, he’s heading to the ring… and he clocks Fred Bueller with the belt! He just took out the ring announcer!

PB: Talk about killing the messenger…

MK: Now he turns and nails Johnny Green! He just blasted the referee with the title belt! There are going to be some fines for these actions!

PB: What a sore loser!

MK: Stevenson drops the belt on Garbage Picker and gives him one last kick to the head! C’mon, Stevenson, that’s just petty! Wait a minute… Picker grabs his leg!  He takes Stevenson down!

BV: Not again…

MK: ANKLE LOCK!  Garbage Picker cinches in the ankle lock!  AND ROD STEVENSON TAPS OUT AGAIN!!!

BV: I don’t believe this…

MK: Stevenson screams for mercy before Picker lets him go and the biker rolls out of the ring!

PB: The crowd is just eating this up! We have a new champion! A new era has come to CLAW!

MK: Garbage Picker drags himself to his feet and holds up his belt! He should probably not be moving around but he’s celebrating, and the fans are behind him! All the pain, all the hardships, Garbage Picker has fought back from it all to become the new CLAW HEaVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

PB: What a match!

MK: Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! Good night!

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Comments
  1. Mish says:

    BAHHH i cant believe cindy the psyco won ! ema was doing so well! i want a rematch ! lol

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